yikes

the holiday countdown is on and i am not.
this year, the worst yet as far as the kids go, is CRAP.
good riddance says i to 2009.
begone!
on an up note the little brown garter snake went back to his logpile home and
is hopefully happily hibernating by now....
the girls are going to florida to visit their grandparents there until right up
before xmas which sucks. i just want to relax and breathe again.
i just want to be ok with just being.
calgon, lol take me away!!

"sadhvi"

its like walking with ghosts
concrete pulls me down so hard into it
i suffocate and sting smart with pain but not with brilliance
i know i'm here, i saw the junk mail and bills to confirm it.
so why and how can i be HERE when "here" is sifting softly through my hands,
running down, drifting & pooling at my feet...
aw hell.
i'm going to need a dustpan or a vacumn to clean this mess...
so much want, it's everywhere
blanketing hope
dusting everything so thickly i need a mask to breathe
b
r
e
a
t
h
e

bread alone

it's actually doable, if the bread is good enough.
i heard a rumor today about the sun being out, and while i confess
nothing, it's not a rumor i can confirm or deny with any surety.
all i know i Mmmm M i love bread

i know

anyway

so whip it was fantastic-but really not surprising given the awesome cast, bumping soundtrack and the appearance of yet another wilson. (jeez, they are getting almost as prolific as the baldwins!) we both had fun and wow, big props to kristen wigg for pulling out the surprise performance of the summer. she's got the mad skills, so recognize. not just another snl flash in the pan, this one.... we got our free tshirts and went to muddy's for their world famous cupcakes though i couldn't really eat mine, one of my neighbor kids enjoyed it though. if yr in memphis they won a "best of" competition for bakery and you might even say hi to my friend ethan if you are fortunate!

so we're finally getting that perfect weather that makes just sitting outside a pleasure in and of itself. its wonderful to have the windows open wide and feel the nice fragrance of mown grass and sunshine. perfect riding weather!! after weeks of rain, every human in memphis deserves to just get out and suffuse themselves in something truly simple, something truly good. the gift of a beautiful day.

namaste! i'm already dreading the ugh of monday but right now, things are....perfect.
in that spirit, i do urge anyone who in interested to join me in supporting a most basic human right for a couple of boys in iran who are threatened with execution for nothing more than admitting their love for each other. some people can't let go and move on--it's something i'm starting to see more and more. they hide behind traditions and outdated poorly interpreted scripture as canon so instead of the new sincerity we get the new hate. there is so much that can be good and beautiful on this planet that it boggles my mind how some people can be so hate-filled that they can only focus solely on that, teaching hate to children, disseminating their "propaganda" and infusing the world around them with more of the same bitter spite.
these are 2 kids, just boys, and they've done nothing. there is a time for keeping quiet, letting those whose words are imbued with bile and avarice just them wear themselves out spewing hate. but ultimately its listening that gives them power. lets try for once to empower the people who want things to be better, not worse. for all people, not just some. please help. http://www.petitiononline.com/irangay/
some things matter.
some things don't.

hahaha hahah ha ha ha

omg that is perfect.
i warrant online stalking and harassment by people who simply cannot ignore me.
sweet sweet wine thou hath my cup refilled.
but it's really tiresome hearing all his pet names.
so no more anonymous comments my brave friend

the warm smile of reflection

1979 by the smashing pumpkins is a guarantee of wistful inner peace even if it's just for a few minutes. and always a kevin smith shout out. hoping for a little of that momentary happiness for everyone i know today. everyone.

telemarketer fun

so, one of the many banes of rocking a phone-related job is telemarketers.


i concede that they have a tough lot in life and a hard road to hoe or a long winding road


or a long strange trip or some damn thing like that.



(insert damn anecdote of choice here: "it's a ________, ________ to ___________", fucker.)




anyway, so telemarketing is a thankless job, not just figuratively but literally as well.


so i put them on a 3 strike program, affording them the same chances as a man at bat or, ok, less glamourously, a habitual criminal in some states. im super polite, then polite, then rude and then if they still keep calling (i genuinely can't believe they routinely still do) then that is when the fun starts!





i appreciate that they have a job, but gosh darned it if i dont have one too, and part of that is keeping them off my employers grotesquely ample bottom. and if they are going to fuck with me i am pleased to announce i have been granted license to reciprocate.



luckily they hate the calls-ostensibly because it wastes time and keeps me busy so they have to occasionally answer one-but boohooo or not, they are totally ok with me playing tele-punked with the time wasters.





I have 3 methodologies that i vary for emphasis and effect. (and ok, mood)


1) a personal favorite, talkus interruptus; every time they speak i start talking too, but stop as soon as they do. kinda like a telephone mirror game only vastly more annoying. the longest this has ever gone before the solicitor hung up in disgust was 30 seconds. heh heh heh.


which is good because i run out of interuppting things to say which is how i slipped into


2) gibberish; the name pretty much says it all. i favor a googley alien blah blah oooh sound.


it's biggest downside is that i have on occasion, gotten hysterical with laughter before the telemarketer had hung up, which in my book, makes you lose points. it's a battle or something, right? that means it's time to get serious, time for


3) cursing (saying a swear, cussing etc) i dont simply just start by randomly hurling epithets,of course. that would be far too provincial, crass, gauche....Redneck. you have to give a proper greeting and welcome so they know where they have called. at some point i might introduce myself, possibly as louise or adolf or even satan. then i like to whisper something intimate, in my friendliest whisper, like; "and you are an evil telemarketer, and you will perish in flames, thanks for calling!" or i will just go on an onion style rant, invite them to slide under an out of control gasoline truck, explain the definition of not interested or just insert random words into my script of disinterest. i usually reserve swearing for those calls that come in when i really don't have a lot of time to deal with people of that ilk. "my name is adolf, quit calling us we already told you no a million times you sorry sacks of excrement."
Swearing is less used but as a result, doubly enjoyed for the rare treat it presents.

so lovely

its awesome to get confirmation sometimes that you are still too important to ignore and that someone can't not think of you. in happy news, i have decided i am staying in my wonderful little house! since it will be such a happy decision i am staying right where i am and not moving after all. unless of course the europe thing falls together quickly enough. but most likely another year.


its funny when i think my lot is kinda a bummer, along comes something to remind me im not half as petty and spiteful as say, yr average joe down the street.


seriously, quit reading my blog if im so hated, wtf?

i havent looked at anyone elses since months before the lol, happy day.

months. and never again since then, so now, technically, years.

if i can do it i know you can.

but noooo you just have to look, have to sound off in your own little ways.

do you think it touches me except to make me laugh?

(and i'll even concede the grandpa thing was low but i was in a mood.)

and it was nowhere near as fucking spiteful as someone elses blog was.

remember that file named a woman scorned? i'm not even in the same zip code as that.

i'm an ex so let me be ex.

the venom level is grossly disproportionate and oh snap, no diseases here.

but in any case thanks for reading, i never in a million years expected that.

dulce!

sometimes the only thing that brings me down from a technicolour freakout over the
insanity that is existence is somebody else's pain, somebody else's heartbreak.
when it touches my family, my child, i am truly TRULY humbled.
yet the truth of it remains and i genuinely believe no life is of more value than another.
people all over the world die.
what is one more life taken, one small boy, to the mix?

well for one thing it's it's own tiny exploding universe of wtf?
it's proof (not that my atheist ass needed it) that while there may be something more,
it sure as shit is no benevolent loving higher power.
i need a sponge to fill my soul and soak up all this excess...
i dont even know what to call it.
i dont have the words, or the language to express it.
i just know that it's wrong beyond all reasoning.
and waste beyond measure.

missed the boat

dammit, i hate being old. the hit parade of crashing out prematurely is starting to get more regular than the macys parade. i missed both hanging out and seeing ethan and chatting online with andrew who just got back into town from way too long an absence in vegas.
and im awake now of course, at 5 am.
brilliant.
well im doing the sneaky cat feeding anyway, i know i'll get back to sleep, the issue is for how long? at least i wont have to worry about it happening again tonight! ;)

anyway, i need to try and facilitate that sleep thing.
maybe some delicious magic brownies would help....

landscaping trucks are a menace

pragmatism sucks

knowing something isn't right for you, be it in general or because of timing or possibly due to a third as yet unnamed reason doesn't make it any easier.

in addition to pudding, my head is so stuffed with ideas and thinks that i thought and i dont have enough time to see them through to their conclusions. it's making me greatly aggrieved.
after a day or two of playing betty crocker im ready for a different kind of betty treatment.

i should be planning my use of that splendid extra day on monday instead of trying to catalogue my revolving cast of inner characters and their hijinx.

back to kissing the tortoise shell for a bit, mas later.
i miss v like crazy, and he's not the only one. now i remember why its easier sometimes to not have so many people in yr life because it cuts down on the contrast of lonely times.
i want to talk about the flying musical and swimming in fireflies

"never take happiness as due"

cautious optomism

this is the morning after night 2 of very little sleep for the best possible reason.
im whooped and giddy and terrified and i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
this is unlike anything thats come before and i'm not sure if its even possible.
v would be proud of me for raising the bar up one year on being a creeper, lol but i don't care.
i don't see an age when i see andrew, i just see where i want to be.

this is either the best luck or the worst joke ever.
until i find out, im phenomenally content to ride the best ride ever, as long as i can.

in a word, "thud"

we finally met last night for real despite my terrified attempt to come up with a good reason not to. i nearly booked when he wasn't already there, lol then when he walked in, well, color me dropped. he looks like eric!! i told him that in person, he actually reminded me of this favorite character in a book, and then without knowing the details he remarked on being told often that he looked kind of viking-esque.

e
e
e
e
e
e
e
eeee and eeeee2!!!!

the fictional reenactment possibilities are a-mazing. and since we initially met on a like-minded site, so are other ones. and he is so fucking cool in so many severely extremely good ways, and ink! bonus round of tasty!
glorious sweeet sweeet ink!

so. while i've watched so many people, couples, i have at least this beautiful shot at feeling that way again. for the first time,genuinely, in so fucking long, hopeful. stupid happy. and really really anxious to get the work day over so i can see him again.

now i just have to get a new pair of cat ears!
le mew le meow, le purrrrr.............

such is jango

yes it's been an interesting week of not being able to deal with the psychosis at work, primarily because it is totally off the charts. amp set at 11. one more day til two short days without.
tomorrow is the big disconnect.
(not THAT one, thats the really big disconnect)
when not at work, i've had a nice week with some vera very good conversation and it has been incredibly cathartic. i find that sometimes the more i write, the more i want to?
and its nice to be soothed by something better, something good.
music you save me a million times a day....

breathe deeply

i hate having to be mean.
(now, not-so-gentle reader, before you scoff, lets get literal.)
i hate *having* to be mean.
because while you can try a polite or kind word, some people don't listen.
i mean *reeeeeallllly* don't listen.
and of course it's different for every person.
sometimes its easy to simply be mean just because.
because you don't know the other person, or maybe because you know them too well. because they insist you adhere to their prescribed requirements and standards. because somebody hurt you first or didn't do what you wanted when you wanted.

well those are excuses. ("just because" excuses)

but like bad news, sometimes there is just no way to "pretty up" reality to make it appear less hurtful or palatable. sometimes a spoonful of sugar just makes the sugar taste like shit and medicine.

not being on any sort of medication, and not having insurance, i can't of course speak from any recent experience but i know it never helped my kids take a prescription lol.
sometimes there is no getting around something.

i'm learning.

it's certainly easiest to simply try and move on.
not as easy to succeed.
makes me think about paths.
roads, sidewalks, passages.
i've never been a fan of the straight and narrow, lol.
i took a page from scott's book and streamlined my life a fair bit yesterday.
its daunting, terrifying and exhilarating all at once.
and while it feels like a change, even that is merely trapping.
my bills are the same, my head is still filled with bits of string and tiny little rainbow fishies.
my cattens still treat my skin like a scratching post and my neighbor is still the biggest
douchebag in four counties. i'm no more or less alone, not at the heart of it, yet i feel better.
i guess it finally hit me that if the big picture is overwhelming, move on in for a closer look.
i'm no artist, not truly, but i loved to draw.
so i will try on my pointillism goggles for a bit.

now i'm in love, been there many times before and it never fails to surprise me how long it stays with you. when i get to work and there he is, it's a smile on my lips, not a scowl.
shores me up, keeps me well, lol, not *sane*, but we'll just say it keeps me.
it also gets that crazy human nature question rolling.
exactly how much we can all be capable of.
the feelings i still have for joe are surely tempered, severely, harshly, truly tempered, but still they are there. of course it was a long time together and less time apart.
and i don't *want* him any more but i know too if he ever developed the stones to be
anything even close to a standup guy i know i'd forgive it in a heartbeat.
not blindly, of course.
i don't even like admitting that here because i know it probably makes me look stupid.
but i can't see a forgiving heart as a truly bad thing.
and like i said, not blindly.

yet my feelings for other people are drastically different.
there are people i will be thrilled to never ever in my life see again much less meet.
is that because of my history with him? with them? or the lacking of something?
is it the changing perspective within my heart, or mule-esque stubborn-ness?
i use the family connection as a non judgemental litmus test.
many people love their families yet can't abide them.
wtf??
i used to know things.
today most of those things seem trivial, incidental, totally without intrinsic value or meaning.
if there truly is no fate but what we make-well fuck, i can't believe that either.
too many uncontrollable variables.
it's a cosmic square dance and you're going to end up with a partner, or you're going
to end up sitting along the wall, watching everyone else dance.
i'll take door 3, pop in my headphones and step outside in the rain to do the speer stomp instead.
i love to dance, and that is a gift.
i love to laugh and that is my solace,
i love to love, and that is my hope.

i'm going to take the small kindnesses of strangers and swim in their currents for as long as i can.
somewhere its been said to surround yourself with positive people who can help you.
that seems oddly self serving, and frankly to me, anathema.
i will surround myself with those i love and if they choose to surround themselves with me, then i am blessed.

i think my perspective is, (with a tremendous flourish of irony,) that it is better to cut away from those people who bring you down and try to conform you to their preconceived ideas of who YOU are, who you could be.

that maybe you should circle those wagons in your head and figure out who the fuck you are inside and whether or not you even deserve the company of strangers, friends.
whats the little pat saying? something about loving yourself?
bullshit, says i.
what if at your core, you don't cant and wont?
what if you have a very clear grasp of who you are.
and what if it's not good?
its the kind of dissent that makes this civil war in my head continue.

but look! my favorite swedish vamp is all over tv tonight.
suddenly i feel more like purring and less like hissing.
a perfect mental mulligan.
la la la la lala laaaaaa
namaste my loves, go in peace.

my inner dialogue is a musical

listening to black balloon by the goo goo dolls, which is one of those interesting songs that i dont really want to say, add to my ipod for example, yet every time it comes on rotation on my private musical oasis, i find myself thinking, ok wait a minute and enjoy this....the familiar chords that can somehow still affect me even though my frame of mind could be anything from tattered shards to supernova. i guess you could say it's something something akin to the musical equivalent of that breeze that is so perfect you have to stop doing whatever the hell yr doing to lean into it and just enjoy.

which then puts me to thinking about songs that completely suffuse you-albeit momentarily, in a certain place or time, maybe even just a feeling. something of a curse of late, it's nonetheless at its essence, pure cath-ar-ssistance. so gracias benji and arturo and billie joe. i can honestly say i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for people like you.

donut stalkers and such

wow, what a month for freaks! june is scaring me.



i'm kinda hitting a day by day and sometimes hour to hour or even occasionally moment to moment kind of existence this month. mental illness or business as usual? who can say? (sure as hell isn't me!!) and i know i'm not alone in this because i have had some freaky weird experiences this month. went to check out the new dunkin donuts-first one in memphis a couple weekends ago and this weird like 50 something white haired golfer looking man in a suzuki suv something or other kept walking to and from my car like he was going to talk to me. i was on the phone, acting like i was really into it because he kept looking over at me. CREEPY! i made a point of avoiding eye contact and waited for him to leave. he stayed and lingered in his car a while so i went back inside to use the bathroom. when i came out he wasn't in his car or anywhere that i could see, that is, until i stepped off the curb and he came up behind me from beside the building. out comes my phone so i pretend to talk more "la la la" gesticulating wildly and fake laughing "Giggle giggle hahahaha thats so INTERESTING." I turn on my car engine and run the a/c oblivious. I see him finally get in his flipping car and once he's pulling out, i decide it's safe to go now-i'll be behind him. SO as i'm pulling out, i see him frantically waving me down, and i ignore him, get into my turn lane-(which i figure he can't from the right lane he's in.) i peel off and make for the freeway, no problem, right? only at the freeway on ramp, he's fucking right behind me!! wtf!! it's kinda like being stalked by rush limbaugh or something. just, so, "ew." so i figure i will make for the other side of the tracks and zooom along the freeway (i'm an excellent driver) after i hit the big fwy interchange im pretty sure it's good, and figure goofy man has gone back to whatever middle class hell spawned him and his pink polo shirt wearing ilk. a little freaked, i start to shift lanes and see the bastard shift into the same lane about 6 cars back.

NOW i get nervous. i floor it, zip up past a couple exits and swing off onto a busy one. The bastard actually pulls up behind me again and i peel out of the exit in front of another car that didn't like me peeling out in front of them but oh well. They delayed him enough for me to zoom the f up the next intersection and i take a sudden turn behind a restauraunt not far away, then zip behind and wait. I'm narrating all this from the interchange on to a friend on the phone and i'm like eeeeeeeeee all jittery and bugging. i let about 5-10 minutes pass and just when i'm thinking its good to pull out and head home, oh fresh holy be-leeping hell, there the fucker is slowly tooling around the parking lot, looking for me!!!. oh HELL no! i do another 360 down the street and around another corner that leads me back onto the freeway and head back the way i came. i know if i was thinking i should have just driven to a police station but i was just like too wired and frazzle freaked.

anyway i think he finally realized he was living a fucking pipe dream that i would ever in a million years be interested in speaking to someone who scared the shit out of me like that,and gave up. all i know is he ruined dunkin donuts for me big time.
ass hat.

quick segue

into.....my boss is an asshole, not just a bosshole. he is NOW making me work my birthday even though i asked off in plenty of time because one of the flat glass guys is already off that day.
what a colossal fucktron.

oh my god!!!

holy crap! i was just sitting at home minding my own business and watching gran torino when there is a pounding on my front door. i open the door and this big ass half naked staggering bloody guy pounds at my storm door telling me to call the police, he needs the police, they shot them oh god my niece he shot them and hes holding them hostage....then dude stumbles down my steps and collapses so i call 911-first time ever! and tell them what he said. he was going on about how the guy had a shotgun and oh god and anyway the 911 lady has me hold and then connects me with the fire dept for ambulance service.

so as to not appear blase later, i will state right now none of the kids were hurt.

(weird that i have to repeat myself for the same call) so i go outside to check on stagger lee and you can smell the liquor. i told him the police would be there soon and he insists on getting up and goes across the street where somebody else had opened a door. once i heard the sirens, i went ahead and came out-the 911 operator said i'd need to make a statement. when about 6 cop cars come peeling ass down the street. i waved them down to the house and it's all tv screeching and blue lights and such. i'm actually quite shocked at how few of the folks who live on our street were out.
any way cop deluxe is coming out of his car and i explain which house and the drunk guy is on another porch and so cop jr goes to him while everyone else is holy shit, locking and loading. it was click click clickety click. (i thought they would be louder click wise.) there were rifles and handguns and tigers, oh my!!! the blue lights actually started to fuck with my vertigo. so tall cool drink of cop comes over and gets all my info and takes the statement. damn they sure do ask a lot of questions. so he tells me to sit back behind the cruiser and wait til they rush the house, which they do and it's all super tv realistic and they are yelling for this person to lay down or get down and after a while a couple people get dragged out-drunk-there wasn't even a gun, just a seriously alcohol induced scuffle. the poor kids were out on the curb waiting to be allowed back into their own home. cops start clearing out apparently we got the hottie precinct-even the lady cops were va va voom. i don't see eric the cop so i tell my side to my neighbor friend vera who tells me what he told her-he was banging on everyones door apparently.
so yeah weed is bad but this kind of shit is totally cool.
well i wanna finish gran torino and another night of intent to go to bed on time is dashed upon the rocks. at least i have my puff! can't getenough of that wonderful puff! :D

stay tuned for exciting out of control gasoline truck news:

donut stalkers! the annoying boss awards! tales of oh shit! bad weather jacks my web/cable, my boss's wife develops a soul and vampire book reviews for perverts. this is, assuming of course, i actually have cable and internet when i get home tonight. (oh snap, i wonder if the dvr still saves stuff even though icant view it at the time??)

ok, i had company again tonight so i'm only now back on the net. and i find myself seriously, lol, trying to watch grand torino while simultaneously writing in my blog, reading the final sookie book and ok, getting my bliss on...but just a whisper. that's one hit for each letter in the word whisper. it's my little original drinking game-cum-scrabble game modified for the rasta in us all. note to self: explain that further in a future post. note readers: please remind self to remember the reminder.

soooo i should have asked for a vote on which of the above topics to address first. HEY! I will freaking just do that now!! i know there is some way to post it like fancy online but im lazy and that's just too much effort for a bear of very little brain such as myself. oooh i bet i can butcher the hell out of that translation into espanol...... soy un oso con poco cerebello? cerebrito? chicken burrito? (oh. perdona mi, vicente....."burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrito" ) SO the topics on which i can postulate are listed above. drop me a line to say which one is most interesting and then by thats the order i will post them in. i will probably hear from NOBODY but i just am too sofa king elevated right now, it really is not a good idea for people and things with brains what work to be subjected to......wink wink nudge nudge knowing glance, say no more!

on a final note, sharkie puff (boieeeee!) has arrived to stay with me for a couple days and let me tell you, hes about as happy as hitler in hell. i wish i had a digital cam to record the severe displeasure. it's practically surreal to be holding a cat who clearly dearly loves you but at the same time is disproportionately incensed by the presence of the cattens. kinda like the tazmanian devil pausing to head butt you and nuzzle before going off on a cheney level 6 rampage.
cover your face!

sex, drugs and barter (oh ps eric too!)

pardon my enthusiasm, but it has been a while. :)

wow. just wow.

short story long, i've been vacillating for a while now over meeting this guy who i'd chatted with off and on from a dating site (of sorts. :9 ) well, the final hurdle dropped for sure yesterday and so i threw caution to the wind and said to hell with it.

thank the mighty mighty zeuss for rash impulses.

i just....he...and then when he and then... and i tried to....and then he, oh my and it was so....and then just....thud. i'm genuinely lightheaded and dizzy recounting it.

what's most phenomenal is that, discounting a slight beer buzz, i was str8.

economy and circumstance dictate a certain want in my department 420 repetoire, and over the last few days, i have begun to view it as a big plus.
why?
because i know, or have suspected maybe, while "addict" is not the case-because, if im out, oh well, no big, don't have to rob and steal to score, BUT (here's my big but) when i'm not out i self-enabled, um, myself, waaaaaay too much. numb certainly is better than hurting sometimes.
sometimes you need the clarity that hurting brings, the closure.

but not when it comes to other things....

you remember how it feels to be with someone-somewhere public-not particularly intimate-
but nonetheless *feeling* intimate? being aware of every shift of their leg,every brush or touch, however accidental or planned?? electric? it's been so long since i felt like that, i quite literally forgot how it felt. what's weird is i'm already scared i'm going to forget the way it feels, now.
like a heat miser,

if only they could come up with a drug that makes you feel like that,....all right, so they did, lol but i mean an over the counter one! if they did? moneeeeeeeey!!


so i figured my night could not improve, even after the internet AND cable had been out all day and night-still out when i left for work this am, (cable is not infallible either, dtv naysayers!)but i digress, lol (quelle surprise!) so i find myself still pine-ing on pins and needles, anxiously, breathlessly waiting to see my much beloved new cable crack, true blood, with claire. hopefully tomorrow. (please please please) it can't be tonight because she is doing her volunteer library work tomorrow. i can't believe my little bit is so cool, sometimes. and since they adore her, she pulled a favor and got me a copy of the last sookie book, new and only available in hardback right now, since i finished all the others in less than a week. now im fucked because i HAVE to buy it. eric on the cover which means eric is in it. oh hell yes is he ever IN it.....it's my ultimate nerdy dork fangirl fantasy and now i have to pledge my soul to charlaine harris for doing my perverted bidding and giving me the hottest read of my life. there is another book coming out in october (sortof-compilation of stories) but eeep there it is!! literary THUD to the nth!!! as far as brain sex goes, it was the best i've ever had! :) (doing the eric happy dance) and not just because eric and sookie wind up together in every good hard, dirty hot possible way. (why yes, i'm a dork, thanks for noticing! DUUUUH@!)

it's because southern vampire wordsmith girl is goooood. she lives in arkansas, not that far away, either....hmmmm...might be time for a road trip...

and speaking of travel i have a favor to ask of my memphis readers...anyone interested in going to new york? i sortof acted on one of those rash impulses and redeemed my flyer points as a bday present to me and i find now that i won't be going. departs early afternoon friday july 3 and returns on my bday july 6. now i'm going to nashville for my real bday present. i put an ad up on craigslist and while i'm not trying to make a killing, belle's tkt was just under $250. but ideally i just want someone to help me fix my bleeping bike more than i want cash. i finally got to ride with someone this weekend and THAT my friend is my true addiction!! i get to go to bike night tomorrow if the weather holds!

of course i hate being a passenger, lol-im not a control freak UNLESS im on the bike.

anyways if you know of somebody, please steer them to the cl ad or email me directly! gracias!

okay, so much going on in my head right now...what else? oh yes! i borrowed the cat trap my boss's wife had bought when we fixed the little at work feral kitty last night. i got all the locals who i feed inside and put the trap on the porch with tuna fish in it.

guess who was in it when i heard it snap? lol i half expected a raccoon but it was a very angry alice!! she and little jane are having a hissy reunion this morning but hopefully jane will chill out a bit. even though she definitely seemed lonely i think jane liked being the only lap cat because she was being such a cuddle bug in alice's absence.



between the sex and the book and watching "taken" (which fucking ROCKED-god bless you, liam your poor poor soul) and the meowing and hissing between the catten sisters all night i am a tired tired girl.

tired, walking funny, but happy.

don't that beat all?

i'd almost forgotten what happy felt like, too.

i'm sure i'll be back to my sad lonely self before long, but today i'm not going to look this gift horse in the mouth, i'm going to ride it hard and put it away wet.
listen in to nasty love

eschew obfuscation

Some days are better than others.
Thanks, K for trying to make this one better and not worse.
But thanks most of all for being so patient and fuck.
I saw jred today and it kills me sometimes.
he didn't look so good-i'm *really* not being catty, lol, he just didn't.
i get the senior discount thing now-he looks much older than me.
serious grampa mojo which explains some things the neighborhood kids mentioned.
and for extra gratification, i was wearing his donnas shirt, lol
it was awesome because i pretty much scared him back into HIS house for a change.
he saw meand claire and hightailed it inside so he wouldnt get in trouble with the boss, lol.
claire said after lunch when she went to the library with geoff he had the nerve to wave at them.
pretty impressive.

so.
alice is still missing and im trying to bury my worry in cuddling jane.
its the 3rd day really so im starting to get more fearful.
it's been a shit sandwich kind of day and i really have had my fill.
it exasperates the hell outta me when people -ok jd, can't just take a fucking clue.
sometimes words are too much.
i'm crazy, that's been pretty much established.
but he has to just keep on telling me all the reasons im a bad person.
most of the reasons of course, previously disclosed.
blah blah blah
why? if i suck so phenomenally, let it go.
i never claimed to be suitable for anyone or thing, so please
let
it
go
!! there it is! going!
bye bye!!
now that that chapter has ended im looking to try something new.
something NOT onthe internet, for that way there be monsters.
i'm not any better off today than i was yesterday.
tomorrow is just as grim and bleak but it's my tomorrow for now.
i can't say i expect a pretty ending, certainly not a neat or happy one.
but it will be mine, and i get to write it.
on my own.
i did manage to read every charlaine sookie novel and while i did the silly of reading them outta order, i really enjoyed them tremendously. and i know that patricia has added more to the "moon called" series i so enjoy, so i just may have to try the used book store on monday.
i should be here through the summer for sure.
not being able to plan ahead with any surety has been such a colossal gaping hole in
my gut that i am trying blinders and the one day at a time thing.
i almost wish i COULD become an alcoholic just for the get out of brain free card, but
i dislike the after effects far too much.
and i am setting my sights just a wee bit higher.
not much, lol but some.
like newt, my demons come out mostly at night.
mostly.

suivez la piste amigos y comrades

suivez la piste was actually the title of a french textbook in high school. you never really know what is going to stick in a teeny little cranium such as mine, but apparently there is a scant amount of seating reserved for "foreign language bits" i love other languages. it's an affinity i developed far too late in life to make much use of. but i discovered that for one such as myself, being able to communicate even a little bit with someone in ways other than anglaise, was super freaking cool. which is even in and of itself something of an amusement. you don't generally applaud say a 5 year old with basic verbal mastery, lol why should i be so bloody pleased to pronounce shei shei or mille grazie like it was my freaking thesis. so yeah, thanks babel.

communicating is a bitch when the language is shared, does that mean communicating with people who don't likewise have the same foundations and experiences and vocabulary is even tougher? because we are different? or does that make it easier?
is love different in hindi than seik? is "te amo, mi amor" any less stirring to the 16 year old experiencing first love than "я тебя люблю мой дорогой" is to the elderly russian couple down the street?
because of words?

there are people on this planet who would argue so.

which is in and of itself a shame. having gotten to know a few international types pretty well this year, i am struck by so much that is same, not different. mi guitarista, vicente is constantly reminding me of the ills and troubles facing his countrymen, as do several other people in sa and even europe. dammit. i wonder if a point could ever be made -not in mime so much as caveman gesticulant. after spending a night talking down a german pal who had suffered an unusually painful breakup last week, i found that i couldn't adequately convey what i most wanted to impress on him--not that it mattered, but in the grand scheme, he wasn't alone with that pain. you can be alone in more ways than you can count, and truthfully, regardless of what the brochures might tell you, it's pure uncut fact. benji sings how we are all the same at the beginning, so wtf happens next is a cosmic prank call. you can't change some things. you can effect change and even affect change (2 different things, campers) but ultimately, as mongo says, "mongo just pawn in game of life." thanks mel, thanks mongo, sorry for the not so precisely exact nature of the quote....

my train of thought is already derailing onto tangent tracks to numerous to mention.
but communication remains the crux of the cross today.
people get so hopped up in their little preconceived worlds and dealings that they drag everyone and everything around them into it, expecting all to fully acquiesce to their expectations.
its not like that.

today i spent the day with my daughter and mid day got dragged via text into ostensibly created drama that served no other purpose than to well, create drama. i already had a drama going. one of my own, and far more real than any internet escapade. long story short, my former pal would not could not accept the plain and simple fact that something or someone else was a priority right then and i could not focus on wtf he was presuming my attention issue meant. basically more or less the same mentality that insists on having the last word, rather than say, an actual discourse.

"look at me, i'm bart!"

why do some people crave a dramatic denouement over patience? i get it with children of course.
i'm something of a hedonist myself, and i get the gratification imperative. but people of the internet! citizens of the real, take a collective chill pill sometimes and remember, everyone you see before you, you don't truly know. you talk to people, start to know them, but it's still not the same.

the person you see in front of you in traffic, in that ugly suv might not be the wealthy owner.
it could be me, the crazy bus riding biker, delivering someone else's expensive car to them. it could be the wily carjacker or the soul-dead child of a white collar motherfucker mid runaway.
the woman who has just been informed that her cancer is back,the man whose wife has died or left him. you don't know. i don't know, but people still LOVE to assume and presume that their world of problems spills over to everyone elses, granting them braggers rights and priority in a neat little predictable fashion.

i wish it worked so neatly because i wouldn't be at a linguistic disadvantage in a world like that.
i wouldn't find myself scouring the neighborhood for a tiny little ball of fluff i have come to adore.
i'd be camped out in the magical world i'd formed around my wishes, enjoying the ebb of flow of things as i want them, rather than struggling to not go under while the current tosses me about.
some people are in the raft, some people are on the bank, some are in the water.
(ok some of us are screaming, giggling and laughing as we go over the side, but try to ignore us, we crazy!)
we are all trying.
some just not as obviously.
i wish so many things.
i find myself captivated at times by what could be, could have been, isn't, will never be.
sometimes the enormity of such things is dwarfed only by their irrelevance.
my big picture could be your background shot, or a pointillismic dot.
yours could be my favorite story, my bedtime fantasy, or just as easily something stuck to the bottom of my shoe. i'm sorry for that, because one thing i know for certain is there are far more people worse off than me than better. but that's not cause for relief or joy to me.
it doesn't change the shadow on my brain, the balance in my account of the tears in my eyes.
i want more, and not just for me.

ted was right.
a person's a person, no matter how small.

we all want something else

how to differentiate between stubborn idiot and following a dream.
it doesn't even have to be mine anymore, not really.
i just want to be something more, someone esle, someplace warm.
i dont want everyone to instantly know my storybook ending is really
just a buzzkill in ribbons.
like my heart

bike story (no new tale to tell) w/ v.s. thanks to b00 for asking...

okeley dokely. so....i have 2 bikes right now -a disassembled but free 77 harley sportster which was given to me for a previous article i had published in the horse backstreet choppers magazine. and my everyday, much beloved but needing a new tire honda rebel 250. (the titular rebel of my screen name lol.)

setup: coworker guy who rides a beautiful custom crotch rocket got married. he is really into biking, and even has a gang or club or whatever. (-the bosshole and 2 other techs also ride) well steve got married in like april? and had an honest to yaweh biker wedding procession replete with police escort all the way to the reception.

oh MAN, it was soooo freaking cool! we had cops stopping traffic for at least a 15 mile ride circling the city on streets freeway and then back onto the streets again. we didnt have to brake for any lights-like a funeral procession and it pretty much rocked. weather was warm, sunny and pristine but as you will see just a bit TOO windy for me... i am in many ways, a fruity little freak, lol. i like wearing legwarmers, thigh high boots, cat ears and i really want a pair of black contact lenses. im not goth per se, i like tye dye fer crying out loud. i can be goth and legit but im not 24/7. i like pink, i like blue and purple! thats not goth! no, to me, i am just "quirky"

thus, as a card carrying quirky person i rode my rebel to a wedding, dressed appropriately....for a wedding. i rode sporting my favorite little black cocktail dress, black thigh high stockings and lol emily the strange type shoes. oh and my leather jacket and helmet of course. im silly but not mental.

and honestly, no problem really, im an excellent rider--i rode my rebel (little buddha)to south carolina and back wearing a sarong half the time. i can ride for pretty good distances hands free, standing, all kinds of wacky shit. honestly thats probably the closest thing i have to a gift.
(vis rainman: "im an excellent driver") if i had made it out to LA earlier in my life i probably could have been a stunt driver. but i digress...

so what did i say? no problem? yeah....no problem that is, unless of course, the wind catches the gossamer train thing that i had tied securely around my waist and it gets snagged in the rear spoke of my bike. at that point, then ok with the problem.

carpe panic.

lucky for me it was after the certain death freeway portion of the loop had ended, so we were only cruising about 30 mph or so on the streets, and freaking hell! only about 5 blocks from the freaking reception.

it was also fortunate that i rode basically at the tail end of the procession. i honestly didnt know anyone else there there except the groom and my boss and well, the groom was just a trifle busy and my boss? frankly, id prefer another concrete kiss than ick, ride with captain imbecile.


as far as the other riders went, im a girl on what, stylistically amounts to a lawn mower in the estimation of crotch rocket riders so i'm like one of those vaguely distasteful sub-species of biker. theres a huge climate of choppers vs crotch rockets. whatever. i like riding. when i had a mini van i didn't drive around dissing the people in competitor vans, you just do what can you do, yo....
(can't we all just get along?)

apparently. so thats aiight, that didnt last for long....unbeknownst to me i was riding towards epic popularity at the reception. so im picking up the rear so to speak and following behind me, the rest of the guests in cars and trucks. the guys in the truck directly behind me were pals of the groom who were video taping the whole thing for wedding posterity.

they assured me it was more impressive looking than it felt, lol. sadly what they did catch is not much to see-if there was a god the video person would have caught it all in gleaming technicolor instead of just barely catching SOME of the top of my head/helmet before and then nothing as i actually went down and out of frame.
some excellent colorful metaphors though...

SOOO....here's the thing about clothes getting caught in a bike spoke... when they twist around the big wheel that keeps on turning, (and there is NOTHING sweet about alabama fyi) they tend to grab and pull on those clothes. for the purpose of this epic tale pull=rend, shred, tear, rip.
use the thesaurus and pick one.
now i know i hit my head but i'm still certain i was wearing the dress when i went through the light, lol and when it started to catch then shimmy, i actually managed to fight the bike and brake some, weave it back and forth before gravity and physics gave me the collective finger.

but when i went down, (in the very bad way) i discovered i was now pretty much wearing only a leather jacket, some now ex-lacy underwear, most of my stockings and natch, my shoes!!
i actually slid out sideways before it toppled and since i had practised that on grass before, i was gratified to actually have a slight measure of control-(relative to none, anyway) and since i actually am pretty spry, i managed to extract almost all of me from under the bike frame before toppling down on me, which is why i did not have any leg burns to add to the fun. (if yr wearing stockings, you *really* don't want a leg burn!) really! just visualize melting nylon and open wounds. just SO not on my list of two great things that go great together.
so it felt something akin to a slow motion glide, only fear stricken....sort of like surfing, only instead of on a board you are on a bike.
and instead of water, concrete.

my ass and the left side of my leg took the brunt of the slide. i felt pretty. OH so pretty.
the absolute worst part was my ankle which was the only part of me to get caught-so it ALL looked bad for several months but ankle is really the only really obvious scar type "gift with purchase." that i managed to keep.
i call it that since imho lol i bought it....there are some others-little scars,, but faint.

as for my little buddha, he was lucky too. except for engine flooding, some bits broken off the edges of my handlebar, and a tiny dent in the tank, there was no real damage. when i immediately righted it and tried to fire it up but couldnt, i started to get freaked. the freaked didn't last long. why, you might ask?

well, just then i looked around and noticed that there were like, easily a dozen plus guys hangin out windows in the lovely section 8 housing complex i'd wiped out in front of, and yay! pretty much all of them were holding up cell phones, snapping pictures!

awesome!

now, when i see someone lay down a bike, or trip & fall--or just get hurt in general, im sorry my first instinct isn't to capture their misfortune on cam for kicks. its nutty i know, but i tend to think hey, there is someone who needs help. or if it's not serious i use the golden rule and do what i'd want, which is to pretend i didn't notice, look away and let them recover some semblance of pride in peace. (i meant to do that....)

yeah, not everyone seems to think that way. so while chivalry may not yet be dead, i can say with some surety that it definitely does not live on macon road in memphis.

now you know, im clearly vain. if yr gonna take a pic i want it to be a good one. bloody and limping -even half naked, is simply just not me at my best. since the kind folks in the pickup truck behind me were generous enough to stop, i was assertive enough to climb in and say"hi im bleeding a lot and almost naked, im getting in here now". so i smiled at my newly found fan base and gave them all a good long finger wave before leaving my bike to the guys who were putting it in the truck bed.

"quit looking at me, swan!!!"

but mostly i was mostly upset about my poor buddha. luckily that was not necessary.
long story short i rodeit home almost the same way i rode it there, by my own damn self! the critical diff of course was that i was now sporting just my jacket and some borrowed man-pants that the obliging cinematographer dude had in his truck.

the healing process suuucked. but i'm fine now and just a wee bit more cautious.

now i have pics, because you know i had to record that shit for gasping rights.but they are iiiicky and i dont know anyone's quease factor so im disinclined to just automatically post or include them. if you are one of those people wanting to gross yourself out, let me know and i'll be delighted to forward you complimentary online emesis service!!!:)

tgif, right?

it's funny but not in the humorous way.
i used to have that friday excitement and anticipation, now, not so much.
it's just become another sad night in a veritable calendar full of them.
my eye got messed up a little last week and now it's gotten a little worse.
i need to switch bak to 4 eyes mode for a while i guess.
not terribly attractive either.
some wounds heal, others fester even when you think they've improved.
in many cases its just the surface.
so much of what we think and feel is surface dressing.
i wish i was better at filtering out the things i shouldnt care about

he's just not that into you

i know its a movie, haven't seen it. but it's a recurring theme here and one i'm finally starting to get. after last night i think i get it.

in my defense, it's not my fault that i'm prone to believe.
two words: "i'm gullible"
i want more than anything to believe, to matter.
i make a poor pessimist i guess because i keep/kept hoping.
i'm done with that now, i'm gaining understanding.
after the fourth or fifth time you are forgotten, you realize.
it isn't him, it's me.
of course it also wasn't me.
regrettably, these things always seem to come as a surprise but i have never been the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to such things. i'm learning . maybe after the fifth time someone says they'll be back and they're not its less circumstance and more motivation.
or rather the fact that isn't really going to be any.
if someone wants to talk to you, they dont do this.
this changes very little of course.
it colors everything, casts it into different light.
the same decisions hold true, the same path beckons, only shifting.
or maybe i merely see it for what it is in this new light of honesty.
a single path, one walked alone.
i wish i were a bigger person, a bigger man.
less of a masochist.
i have relinquished my stories of woe to the dark.
given up waiting for a phone to ring.
no confidante waits to dry these tears.
frozen, bottled up, i yield and shut the ever open door.
why the fuck did i open it in the first place?
oh yeah.
stupid stupid girl.

the man with horn rimmed glasses/true tales from the workplace!

just realized that claire's dad from "heroes" (noah, aka the man with the horn rimmed glasses) is actually my ups delivery driver in disguise.
freaky.
things have been nucking futs at work. my bosshole proved to me again, that there is no one lower when it comes to making a buck and just in general being an all around litter box;
you can try to sift though his shit, but lets face it--you really dont want to.

today's tale centers upon the magical moneymaking enterprise known as the "candy dispenser."
We had one in our shop which was naturally, placed there by an outside party. It provided you with skittles, and both plain & peanut m&ms. a portion of the proceeds go to a missing childrens foundation. just recently around the holidays my bosshole informed me that the evil stealthy and incredibly wily candy man had had the nerve to deprive him of some allegedly promised proceeds from the vast gumball machine coffers. if this public enemy were to have the nerve to show up, i was supposed to rat the poor man out to mr boss who would tell him to remove the offending candy machine. (side note-we get very little foot traffic-i would be immensely surprised to discover that at any time it could have even conceivably contained more than $10 in quarters. lovely and shiny yes, but still only a 25 cent value.) not an amount of money I would quarrel over and i need to make money to qualify for broke. but come on, ten bucks-divided even in half...??
n-word please.
how juvenile.
ANYWAY....soooo i come in to work in the morning and notice right away that the candy machine is gone. "oh god," i thinks to myselves, "he is such an asshat. he actually hid the candy machine so the vendor can't slip in here unawares and steal his birthright--his candy machine quarter tithing. how freaking petty is that?" or, "oh hell--maybe the poor fellow had the bad luck to come in on saturday while the boss was there and he got the full metal evil treatment."

oh no.
oh no no no.
it was not that petty.
it was petty, um, "er"
when i reached the back area where the old school time clock is (claire loves messing with it--i always feel like fred flintstone myself) there was the candy machine....not just kidnapped and held prisoner, but raped, plundered, pillaged and permanently pried broken open.
yes.
he did.
he is that bitter, spiteful money hungry and cheap.
a mans face...in my mind...something stereotypical yet true in this case....shylock?
does that mean anything to anyone else, lol? so yeah, he pried the back open with what i imagine was a tire iron or crowbar. he dug all the man's little quarters out of the back and has started filling the candy jar up front
from it.
niiiiiiiiiiiice.
but truthfully -the biggest thing?
how unnecessary it was to break it!!!
he could have simply waited and called the guy-the owner had a card on the machine with his phone and everything, i can see that big jerk holding it captive, but to bust it open and steal the money? thats the best call to make? really??
i was stunned.
yes, virginia, that's my boss.

stupid song lyrics that are nonetheless topical for me

i can't breathe you
my eyes are broken
they won't see you
i can't hear words unspoken

you think you know you think you feel
you think you understand
but what is true and what is real
is what you never planned....
i thought i knew you--you're barely half a man

i can't feel you
with the darkness growing
it seemed so real...so true
but now i feel you're not worth knowing

the morning birds fly
i wish that i could fly too
into a brand new sky
a sky that won't include you

you say you tried you say you cared
i say you never did
i say you lied you left me scared and then-
you did it all again

you broke my heart
you ripped my soul
and then you broke my skin
broke in my home
you held me down
and did it all again

you broke it all no matter how you try to justify
but what you did that night will always be your last goodbye
you made me want to die
now when i look at you with her, i have to wonder....
why?

i saw the note i read the words
i can't believe you boy
you cant be real you ve got some nerve
i'm not your stupid toy
you want to say how much i meant?
you want to call me friend?

please fuck off and die again

how many unsaid things do i have to say?

such hot/cold running confusion
smile
wink
kiss
touch
goodbye.
demand allegiance and disappear.
disappear and then hello.
kiss kiss
touch wait
waitwait
wait
wait
goodbye.
i don't understand
what's
wrong
with
you?
or is it me, again?

Yay Canada! Yay Barack!

But it's still too chilly for me right now....

Short trip, long agenda: Obama darts up to Canada
By BEN FELLER, Associated Press Writer Ben Feller, Associated Press Writer 1 hr 18 mins ago
WASHINGTON – Barack Obama's first foreign trip as president — a down-to-business visit with an essential economic ally, Canada — is light on time but loaded with touchy matters.
The world will watch Thursday as Obama gets his first chance since taking office to command an audience abroad, let alone get an impression of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. The two have not met previously.
Ottawa is awash in buzz about hosting the new president; supporters are rolling in by the busload in hopes of a glimpse. Two-thirds of Canadians wanted Obama elected, a Gallup Poll found in October. Even more said the choice of the U.S. president affected their own nation.
Canada and the United States have the largest trading relationship between any two countries in the world. And for all the talk of ending a dangerous reliance on foreign oil, the U.S. depends more on Canada for imported oil than it does any other country.
So far, as Obama grapples with a crashing economy, he has kept his focus at home. As if to underscore that urgent domestic tone, he isn't staying the night or even sticking around for dinner in Canada. He will be there for about seven hours.
Yet that pace belies an agenda packed with sensitive topics.
Obama comes bearing a pro-trade message to assuage Canadian concerns over protectionism; a promise of a new strategy in Afghanistan as Canada moves to yank out all its troops there; and talk of clean-energy cooperation as controversy hangs over Canada's oil-rich sands.
More broadly, Obama's presence signals a fresh start.
"It's the first step in continuing to rebuild the image of the United States abroad by turning to our closest neighbor," said John K. Glenn, director of foreign policy at the German Marshall Fund of the United States, a nonpartisan think tank.
Harper, who heads a Conservative government, had a good relationship with Obama's predecessor, George W. Bush, calling him a president who "never promised me anything he couldn't deliver." And Canada's ties with the U.S. run deep. Still, Bush became deeply unpopular in Canada, which had a spillover effect.
"Canadians are gaga over Obama," said David Biette, director of the Canada Institute at the Woodrow Wilson Center for International Scholars. "It gives Harper a lot more leeway with the United States."
A spokesman for Harper, Kory Teneycke, previewed the visit by underlining similarities between his boss and Obama. He said both have similar ages and young families and are "policy-focused intellectuals."
Personalities aside, matters of war and economic strife await Obama and Harper.
Canada is planning to pull its 2,500 combat troops out of Afghanistan's volatile south by 2011, following the loss of more than 100 troops killed in the country since 2001. Obama is headed the other direction, dispatching 17,000 more U.S. troops to the war zone.
Both the U.S. and Canada have urged other NATO countries to contribute more to stabilize Afghanistan, where insurgents have gained new strength and the top U.S commander is warning of a "tough year." But Canada's people say they have shouldered their burden enough.
Obama plans to tell Harper that the U.S. is overhauling its strategy in Afghanistan, with more effort on diplomacy. Pressed during a Canadian Broadcast Corp. interview this week on whether he will ask Canada to stay in a combat role, Obama said, "I don't have a specific `ask' in my pocket that I intend to bring out in our meetings."
On the economy, Obama comes with a reassuring pro-trade message.
There is no strident talk from the White House about renegotiating the North American Free Trade Agreement — or even pulling out as a tool of leverage. Obama raised that idea as a candidate for president with an eye toward strengthening labor and environmental standards.
The broader goal is still part of Obama's agenda. But reopening a lucrative trade pact among Canada, Mexico and the U.S. is not a mess Obama wants to get into right now.
On the energy front, environmental groups want Obama to get tough with Canada about its massive oil sands operation. Alberta's tar sands present a deep supply of potential oil, but the extraction process produces a high amount of the greenhouse gases blamed for climate change.
Other issues likely to crop up during Obama's meetings are the "Buy American" clause in the economic stimulus bill he signed into law Tuesday and his administration's move to impose stricter "country of origin" labeling on fresh meats and other foods sold in U.S. stores.
___
Associated Press writers Rob Gillies in Ottawa and Julie Pace in Washington contributed to this report.

deconstruction zone

i just don't know.

i broke faith and something more.

something big.

i'm not sure how many licks it will take to get to the center,

or if instead, it's simply worn to the center.

if you are worn out inside, can you wear in outside?

i need a fix but thetears won't come

mashups/funny/creepy/weepy

MASHUPS: working today, listening to jango i got caught off guard when the song i was listening to, marilyn manson's dope show, combined by some bizarre timed coincidence with stray cat strut on my telephone hold music. i was waiting for one of our suppliers whilst jamming to mm. in limited quantities the stray cats are nostalgic goodness. and i love me some mmanson.

whats weirder still is, it kind of worked. whatever. opposites attract i suppose.

FUNNY (ish) ok the funny now. as usual a customer called to inquire about a job that the bosshole arranged, and rather than give me the simple, fast and easy short "i dont know the answer" response, instead he naturally felt obliged to make me work for a pointless and unhelpful answer. during this control freak preening process i was directed to "pretend he wasn't there" which immediately prompted a natural and powerful pavlovian smile response.

he asked what i was smiling for. and i did it, lol i told him.

"i'm just pretending you're not here today" heh heh heh heh. ahem.

EWWW now the creepy part. even though i really don't need to be doing it, i washed our freaking front windows this morning while it was so balmy and beautiful. so i could hear the phone, i left the front door cracked open. as i am bending over, wiping the bottom window pane i hear something and turn around to see him staring at my backside.

31 flavors of wrong and then some! EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

what an asshat.

more later. i've had a low day and i'm trying to decide if listening to the tear jerking songs that make me cry is cathartic or if it's counter-productive. knowing wouldn't change anything i suppose, but its the feeling alone bits that kill.

i should be bright and bushy tailed by the sunshine-y weather. god i wish i could ride today. but then i probably might be tempted not to stop.

backsies

i don't care about the rules, i want my teaset back.
and that's not all.
i want my flying fucking car and my friendly robot to do the chores.
i want to sleep in and wake with a song in my heart, not a knife.
i want this depth of understanding 10 years back at least and i want a really good burger.

mmm oh yes--i'd like a good hour with that feeling of going to the movies with someone who really really wants to go too, with me.
enough to hold hands, share soda and rest heads on shoulders in a vain pretense while greedily hoarding and mentally cataloging every little synapse the brain will permit me.
sight smell taste and touch.
each one insistent that theirs is the sweetest, most divine
til you speak to me, and only me.
wipeout.
the wave suffuses and suffices then abates
thus dazzled i puddle and melt.
the drift into dreaming is subtle, complete....
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

suivez la piste

i may have spelled it wrong, my apologies to mme hilton if so.
'suivez la piste' was one of my high school french textbooks.
it pretty much simply means follow the trail. i knew most of the french already from going to school in canada so i don't really recall more than the title. but thats the jist of it today.
follow the trail.
i'm tired of circling a drain that frankly, holds almost no appeal in the first place. i've hit a point where it seems clearly to be an issue of sink or swim. staying here affords me only the first option. without trying to glom onto some poor soul, there's really no hope whatsoever of me being able to improve my situation here in memphis. i am surrounded by rednecks and white trash, and without good transpo i'm not really in a good bargaining position for any job improvements.
i love my bike and can't wait to ride it again, but it does have limitations.
and i'm tired of the cold, so very very very cold tired.
my kids are beautiful and independent. the support they need from me can almost just as easily be given in visits and online chats. my mom is still in good health and my lease is up in october.
frankly i dont want to wait til october, but it is encouraging to see little karmic bits falling in to place. like i need time to get my canadian passport, need time to get travel insurance, sell some extraneous bullshit for travel money and get immunizations etc.
pretty sure i can get out a little bit early if i am doing what i plan to do, which is a little world travelling while i'm still a little able to do it. because i somehow have managed to pick up from god knows where more functional spanish than french, i am setting my sights on central/south america to start. and the cost of living down there is ridiculously cheap.

although i have heard a lot to recommend costa rica, frankly, mi corazon is in colombia right now. i think there would be plenty to do, i have contacted several volunteer organizations, and they have sites all over colombia. i can even take formal spanish classes while there, although you always hear immersion is the best way to learn. theres a ton of hostels there too, so lots of international visitors. most of the volunteer work is with children, but yes they are near the jungle. the real honest to god motherfucking rainforest.

some of my friends have expressed concerns over this being hasty, but really, when i
started to really think about it, it's not that hasty. i've been trying to get away from my
regular job for a while. with the gift of george bush's economic clusterfuck, things here will not be looking up for some time to come. any job i might have had a shot at is now one that easily and extra 20 odd people more qualified than i will also be applying for. i'm good at many things, great at others. but im not a college grad and i can't really compete with them what is. so i'm not going to waste the hope or energy even to try.
we get one life. know your limitations, don't live by them.

why the hell do i want to continue to spend my days at a job i despise, only so i can go home to a fucked up neighborhood where idiots shoot at each other because of parking and can't even take care of their own pets while barely getting by, hoping vainly for an occasional visit with kids who have teenage lives going on. i remember those days well. i'm not bitter about it, genuinely. but i'd like for my day to day life to be a little more rewarding. if there was a way to manage that here, i'd love it. but i barely have time between work and sleep for anything else. and if i learn spanish then when i return i actually will have a marketable skill, not to mention an amazing experience. there is so much of the world i'm never going to see, i'd like to change that a little bit. maybe help a few people on the way. making more of a difference in this life is something i'd like to think i could do.

soy dancen solas

there are so many kinds of dark
they outnumber the light
blind with hurt i stumble and wonder
tripping myself up i manage to catch my fall and
then inexplicably, forget.
whether will or chance my forgetful heart
once more the fool
refuse to let it matter
alone is when i dance
alone is who we are

three little birds

ok its actually quite a few more than 3 and they are less on my doorstep than the street outside my window, but i'm enjoying them just the same. There were two of the little red sparrows today. I wish i knew what they were. They are like mutant sparrow/cardinal hybrids or something and really pretty.



Jood wrote me on facebook and i nearly cried, lol. i'm just finding it harder to get up and face another day of crap so i can go home to a few hours kitten infestation. i can't find anyone to even consider taking one. they are so friendly and dear too. i know somebody out there would really enjoy them. kittens is crazy!!!

movie reviews

defiance; what can i say? the kind of stuff that american schools not only really gloss over, but pretty much exclude from the chapter on that little ole war some fur'en folks helped us win.
in other words, less confusing ones, "Dang!"
belle being a history buff doesnt hurt but thanks to my dad i always had an interest in wwii stories. this one does not fail to disappoint and the reasonably long movie is another one that zips by and has you fearfully checking your watch because its too good, you know its gotta end. the background cast is especially of note. mostly unknowns which is a relief. the very environment of the soviet front itself is enough of a character, villan and ally both. but the way you see both the good and the inhumane in people, damned or otherwise is refreshing in a tough love kind of way. you empathize while horrified. i bit the full complement of nails down before the half way point of this sucker, so high marks all around. well done!

my neighbor is an ass

thats all. i just want him to leave me the fuck alone and i'll leave him the fuck alone.
god almighty the way people on this planet act sometimes it makes you want to hurt someone, whether its yourself or another. the things people find to give other people shit about just amazes me. if i could afford to move someplace else i would.
its been a day is all.
fuck.
i really had hoped 2009 would be better

song lyric mash up

so frequently, i find just particular verses of songs unbelievably pertinent and occasionally jaw droppingly meaningful. i'm experiementing with what i am going to call a lyric mash up. i take no credit whatsoever for what is blatant plagarism or perhaps re-arrangarism? anyway, not going to post it until i have something with a semblance of completion to it but you get the idear.

in exciting whiner news, my tummy hurts. lol and i'm cold.
i don't want my mommy, but i'd sure love a nap. i stayed up waaaay too late last night when i should have grabbed an opportunity to hit it early. on the up side i am off work saturday so i can stay up as late friday night as i want to! drink! smoke! chase loose women!
:9

birds

i keep meaning to post about the little birds i've been feeding at work.
i'm not a crazy birdwatcher per se but i really enjoy just watching them sometimes. i've been thinking alot lately about consciousness and perception and meaning. these little feathered life forms flit around, sharing our planet, enhancing our world and fade in and out constantly, dying, reborn, the usual circle of life crap.

We're told animals have no human emotions which is a stupid statement in the first place. ummm, duhhh? but we don't have bird or cat/horse/dog lizard, crustacean or trilobite pov, so obviously we don't get *them* either. does our perception that our consciousness is higher or more evolved grant us any advantage or entitlement to declare the value of their lives/existence lower than our own? the right to claim our perceptions of value as more than just assertions, but fact? i submit it is not.

i take it a step further to compare cultures.
here in the us a horrible horrible act of terrorism cost thousands of lives. yet in the news there is little evidence of even a tenth of the outrage when its thousands of people killed or dying someplace far far away. does physical distance justify emotional detachment?

if people are truly equal in value then we should be exponentially outraged at the living conditions so many millions more are forced to endure, not merely to say tsk tsk and then remain guiltily oblivious. i found myself recently talking to my good friend vicente in colombia about various personal complaints. he then gave me a wake up call by offering me a taste of what similar complaints might be where he lives. it wasn't his intent but that shut me up pretty quick. the phrase "you got served" comes to mind.

i just wonder sometimes, is it even possible for mankind to ever truly get it? because it seems to me until somebody starts to figure things out and then share the knowldge with people willing AND empowered to affect change we are really facing a collective downward spiral of a planetary clusterfuck that no amount of "greening" is going to fix.

collective sigh time.

on the plus side bush is gone. im not sure if i have hope exactly, but im definitely less jaded and pessimistic about the new guy. i think they should change the number of terms a president can serve down to one. just freaking make change every 4 years. perhaps if they were assured of a set time limitation our commanders in chief might try a little harder to make their page in the history books a bit more concentrated, lol or perhaps enriched. Power packed. Chock full of presidential goodness instead of reading children's books and spending 2/3 of the year on vacation. mind you, i'm not dissing children's books. i adore them and even kindof collect them. however, i assure you, i am not in the government.

more later

weird ideas ver 1

yes its true. i want to make a comic called le hulk which features a primarily unchanging strip where the captions are random insights and adlibs and le hulk is french, living in paris and its not easy being green but its esp not easy being green and existentialist and french.

and i have a friend now which is really cool. his name is vicente caputo zamorano and he lives in colombia. hes made me want to write some things down so i dedicate much to and also thank him.

i hope little muddy kitty is ok-it looks like she was hit or something-her leg looks dislocated, and my sweetst little peter is acting sickly. i hope he's ok. it's hard enough not going to the doctor for me, but i can't bear the thought of them suffering.

so im managing to tread a little water for now, but i worry its getting dark in here fast.