he's just not that into you

i know its a movie, haven't seen it. but it's a recurring theme here and one i'm finally starting to get. after last night i think i get it.

in my defense, it's not my fault that i'm prone to believe.
two words: "i'm gullible"
i want more than anything to believe, to matter.
i make a poor pessimist i guess because i keep/kept hoping.
i'm done with that now, i'm gaining understanding.
after the fourth or fifth time you are forgotten, you realize.
it isn't him, it's me.
of course it also wasn't me.
regrettably, these things always seem to come as a surprise but i have never been the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to such things. i'm learning . maybe after the fifth time someone says they'll be back and they're not its less circumstance and more motivation.
or rather the fact that isn't really going to be any.
if someone wants to talk to you, they dont do this.
this changes very little of course.
it colors everything, casts it into different light.
the same decisions hold true, the same path beckons, only shifting.
or maybe i merely see it for what it is in this new light of honesty.
a single path, one walked alone.
i wish i were a bigger person, a bigger man.
less of a masochist.
i have relinquished my stories of woe to the dark.
given up waiting for a phone to ring.
no confidante waits to dry these tears.
frozen, bottled up, i yield and shut the ever open door.
why the fuck did i open it in the first place?
oh yeah.
stupid stupid girl.