telemarketer fun

so, one of the many banes of rocking a phone-related job is telemarketers.


i concede that they have a tough lot in life and a hard road to hoe or a long winding road


or a long strange trip or some damn thing like that.



(insert damn anecdote of choice here: "it's a ________, ________ to ___________", fucker.)




anyway, so telemarketing is a thankless job, not just figuratively but literally as well.


so i put them on a 3 strike program, affording them the same chances as a man at bat or, ok, less glamourously, a habitual criminal in some states. im super polite, then polite, then rude and then if they still keep calling (i genuinely can't believe they routinely still do) then that is when the fun starts!





i appreciate that they have a job, but gosh darned it if i dont have one too, and part of that is keeping them off my employers grotesquely ample bottom. and if they are going to fuck with me i am pleased to announce i have been granted license to reciprocate.



luckily they hate the calls-ostensibly because it wastes time and keeps me busy so they have to occasionally answer one-but boohooo or not, they are totally ok with me playing tele-punked with the time wasters.





I have 3 methodologies that i vary for emphasis and effect. (and ok, mood)


1) a personal favorite, talkus interruptus; every time they speak i start talking too, but stop as soon as they do. kinda like a telephone mirror game only vastly more annoying. the longest this has ever gone before the solicitor hung up in disgust was 30 seconds. heh heh heh.


which is good because i run out of interuppting things to say which is how i slipped into


2) gibberish; the name pretty much says it all. i favor a googley alien blah blah oooh sound.


it's biggest downside is that i have on occasion, gotten hysterical with laughter before the telemarketer had hung up, which in my book, makes you lose points. it's a battle or something, right? that means it's time to get serious, time for


3) cursing (saying a swear, cussing etc) i dont simply just start by randomly hurling epithets,of course. that would be far too provincial, crass, gauche....Redneck. you have to give a proper greeting and welcome so they know where they have called. at some point i might introduce myself, possibly as louise or adolf or even satan. then i like to whisper something intimate, in my friendliest whisper, like; "and you are an evil telemarketer, and you will perish in flames, thanks for calling!" or i will just go on an onion style rant, invite them to slide under an out of control gasoline truck, explain the definition of not interested or just insert random words into my script of disinterest. i usually reserve swearing for those calls that come in when i really don't have a lot of time to deal with people of that ilk. "my name is adolf, quit calling us we already told you no a million times you sorry sacks of excrement."
Swearing is less used but as a result, doubly enjoyed for the rare treat it presents.