breathe deeply

i hate having to be mean.
(now, not-so-gentle reader, before you scoff, lets get literal.)
i hate *having* to be mean.
because while you can try a polite or kind word, some people don't listen.
i mean *reeeeeallllly* don't listen.
and of course it's different for every person.
sometimes its easy to simply be mean just because.
because you don't know the other person, or maybe because you know them too well. because they insist you adhere to their prescribed requirements and standards. because somebody hurt you first or didn't do what you wanted when you wanted.

well those are excuses. ("just because" excuses)

but like bad news, sometimes there is just no way to "pretty up" reality to make it appear less hurtful or palatable. sometimes a spoonful of sugar just makes the sugar taste like shit and medicine.

not being on any sort of medication, and not having insurance, i can't of course speak from any recent experience but i know it never helped my kids take a prescription lol.
sometimes there is no getting around something.

i'm learning.

it's certainly easiest to simply try and move on.
not as easy to succeed.
makes me think about paths.
roads, sidewalks, passages.
i've never been a fan of the straight and narrow, lol.
i took a page from scott's book and streamlined my life a fair bit yesterday.
its daunting, terrifying and exhilarating all at once.
and while it feels like a change, even that is merely trapping.
my bills are the same, my head is still filled with bits of string and tiny little rainbow fishies.
my cattens still treat my skin like a scratching post and my neighbor is still the biggest
douchebag in four counties. i'm no more or less alone, not at the heart of it, yet i feel better.
i guess it finally hit me that if the big picture is overwhelming, move on in for a closer look.
i'm no artist, not truly, but i loved to draw.
so i will try on my pointillism goggles for a bit.

now i'm in love, been there many times before and it never fails to surprise me how long it stays with you. when i get to work and there he is, it's a smile on my lips, not a scowl.
shores me up, keeps me well, lol, not *sane*, but we'll just say it keeps me.
it also gets that crazy human nature question rolling.
exactly how much we can all be capable of.
the feelings i still have for joe are surely tempered, severely, harshly, truly tempered, but still they are there. of course it was a long time together and less time apart.
and i don't *want* him any more but i know too if he ever developed the stones to be
anything even close to a standup guy i know i'd forgive it in a heartbeat.
not blindly, of course.
i don't even like admitting that here because i know it probably makes me look stupid.
but i can't see a forgiving heart as a truly bad thing.
and like i said, not blindly.

yet my feelings for other people are drastically different.
there are people i will be thrilled to never ever in my life see again much less meet.
is that because of my history with him? with them? or the lacking of something?
is it the changing perspective within my heart, or mule-esque stubborn-ness?
i use the family connection as a non judgemental litmus test.
many people love their families yet can't abide them.
wtf??
i used to know things.
today most of those things seem trivial, incidental, totally without intrinsic value or meaning.
if there truly is no fate but what we make-well fuck, i can't believe that either.
too many uncontrollable variables.
it's a cosmic square dance and you're going to end up with a partner, or you're going
to end up sitting along the wall, watching everyone else dance.
i'll take door 3, pop in my headphones and step outside in the rain to do the speer stomp instead.
i love to dance, and that is a gift.
i love to laugh and that is my solace,
i love to love, and that is my hope.

i'm going to take the small kindnesses of strangers and swim in their currents for as long as i can.
somewhere its been said to surround yourself with positive people who can help you.
that seems oddly self serving, and frankly to me, anathema.
i will surround myself with those i love and if they choose to surround themselves with me, then i am blessed.

i think my perspective is, (with a tremendous flourish of irony,) that it is better to cut away from those people who bring you down and try to conform you to their preconceived ideas of who YOU are, who you could be.

that maybe you should circle those wagons in your head and figure out who the fuck you are inside and whether or not you even deserve the company of strangers, friends.
whats the little pat saying? something about loving yourself?
bullshit, says i.
what if at your core, you don't cant and wont?
what if you have a very clear grasp of who you are.
and what if it's not good?
its the kind of dissent that makes this civil war in my head continue.

but look! my favorite swedish vamp is all over tv tonight.
suddenly i feel more like purring and less like hissing.
a perfect mental mulligan.
la la la la lala laaaaaa
namaste my loves, go in peace.