happy chrimble

kids are crashed out and im still trying to maintain some sense of non vampiric hours so i am wandering the hall and wondering the head.

its rainy drizzle crap out today, the sort of day better suited to farewells and funerals.
haven't watched a full movie yet today but cried 3 times during 3 different snippets of 3 different films. ahh short attention span theater.....

i wish at times i could run a line to my brain and just cut and paste the myriad of thoughts and ideas that seem to keep me whirling and twirling, a pointless and ill fated dervish of fancy.
i know now for certain its what i would have done if only i could have.
but this year was not a year for accomplishment, not the sort that is likely to garner any notice or accolade to be sure. lucky i don't have the same ruler as everybody else in class.
lucky im not interested in notice or accolades either.
what interests me is simply finding a place in my life where i can simply watch a
movie and only cry when i'm supposed to. IF i'm supposed to.

perhaps to latch on to one of these beautiful ideas flying around my head like so many songbirds,
and to take it to fruition, even if its just for me.
didn't get anything for christmas, which kinda surprised me.
more because i think its proper for the girls to be actively involved in giving.
i can't understand the mindset of a person. i would never not let them get their dad a birthday present, a christmas present. mind you, i've known other people who didn't feel that way but i will never understand it. of course my parents weren't split up but still, i can't ever imagine not giving my mom something. (when he was alive, my dad as well of course.)
to me, children should learn giving.
its not the dollar amount of course, but the thought behind it.
not to mention the concept of giving in general, not just tearing open gifts received.
hopefully the genuine thought, the true idea of giving, not just oh what can i find to hand off,
but oh, what could i give this person that will truly bring them joy or comfort?
i never much cared for getting things, i was always the shy birthday person, hiding during the singing and awkward at opening presents.
i much prefer to give things.
had i the savvy, being a "buyer" or personal shopper might have once been the job for me.
although i studiously avoid contact with people outside my world, even the ones who have passed and no longer occupy space, leases having long since expired, i still see and imagine
happy faces and the warm sense of having done well for somebody else.
a failing perhaps, certainly one forged by years of truly loving things.
material things.
comfy snuggly pretty sparkly things.
the best gifts have always been little things...a tin of red hots, a pair of soft flannel pajama pants, things to that some people, well.....
ive never thrown in with "some people" and i dont suppose now is a good time to start.
but what sort of miserable grinchy person would not want a child to be able to give their parent a gift? even a token? i want that joy for kids i've never met, much less my own flesh & blood.
pretty lame imho and not just cause i didn't get anything.
bad form my friends, bad form.
but humanity seems to have a penchant for not appreciating what they have in front of them.

time to relearn my let it go lessons once more.
still it doesn't do much for the wishing...

happy whatever

too many potential mistakes to be made here so happy whatever.

as my week ending xmas begins its chilly and brisk but its been a gloriously free week of my asshole neighbor not being here hardly at all. maybe he and his gf decided they should stay more at her place--who know, i don't care, its just nice to not have him here. i woulda left years ago if the price wasn't so right here. but nothing anywhere compares. neighborhood, kid friendliness, cost and of course, cat adjacent lol.

anyway, forgoing the tree this year due to the whole unemployed thing, probably just as well. if the way the cats were going apeshit around the tiny fresh garland is any indicator, an actual tree wouldnt have lasted long. it does make me sad how many trees are wasted never used and thus their sacrifice is unappreciated lol. sorry little trees.

managed to get a little bump of snow this weekend, not much but i hope eternally that there is more to come, at least just til christmas morning. even for the jaded teen there is something just a touch more childlike and magical about a christmas morning with snow.

managed to get quite a few donations put together for the silver bells program at meritan. it was easier this year since my youngests class at wshs was also gathering items for the forgotten and lonely seniors in town. my mom is just 80 but the idea of her alone and sad with no presents at christmas makes me want to cry so this year in addition to donating a variety of warm clothes and little luxuries, i got a card for a gentleman named anthony who is 92. he wanted a nice blue shirt and sheets. i got him a lovely soft one, and i found polar fleece sheets as well!! i hope that they keep him warm and comfy where ever he may be, and that he's not lonely or alone that day. i kinda wish that for eveybody. but at 92 who knows how many christmases he has left?
of course the same could be said of all of us. when i lost my dad he was fine at christmas, not so hot at new years and gone the next week. its amazing to think he would be going into his 90s now. same age as anthony now that i think about it, how funny. in my head he is always late seventies so i tend to forget.
like so many things....

digging the hell out of my best and slightly early gift from my guy, wonderous smartphone.
of course, it is so wondrous as to be vastly underutilized by me, and since between the two of us i am both the handyman and techie (he can barely handle a non texting phone, lol) i am kinda on my own. phone co does not yet have an online tutorial for the wildfire either but we hopes.
allegedly one is forthcoming. hah!!

ive wanted to blog a couple times while down, the entire month so far has been pretty dreary and glum, but in the interest of not being a whiny bitch, lol i imposed a no tears while typing rule for the entire month of december.

im in bed trying to stay warm and about to give up for a lovely sleep in.
(by the thermostat its right up at 50 degrees back here, but with a heating pad by my feet, once you get in bed, its really not too bad. unless you took a shower lol then bundle up before getting under the covers. actualy wore a hat to bed last week, more because i was so tired i just crashed out, glasses on as well, but it got me thinking about how people used to wear sleephats. i always thought they looked retarded, but sudden realization that maybe they were worn for warmth. you lose a lotta body heat through the head they say, so durrrh, me!! back in the day before central heat etc (and even in this day if you live with me, lol,) you need to be warm at night. and here all along for so many years i just thought they were stupid bedtime hat fanciers. form without function, just puritanical crainial propoganda...like making the women wear silly lacy gloves and crap, so of course you best cover your hair before sleep lol.

how ridiculous and inane of me, lol

yeap, i just checked its early morning reclaiming hour, back to sleep then.
here's hoping for snow when we wake.

Lionel Messi-CoMmeRciAL

mr brightside

(i'd kinda like to kick him to sleep)
brrr the cold is here to stay i think, and even though i have held off on turning on the heat still, not sure how much longer that can go on. found that keeping yr coat on makes for a reasonably comfortable environment inside but then my coat is kinda bulky and annoying. maybe i should get everyone one of those snuggie things, even though the weezer snuggie i so desired was no longer avail last year :( (boo hoo wah wah) the nly problem with that is that ID BE BUYING A SNUGGIE!! ah that hearkens back t the days when i saw the ad and couldn't believe they were for real and not some horrid cult joke. trying to keep the stiff upper lip re the hollydays but it sucks because buying stuff for my kids is the funnest thing ever. i did manage to get some good deals at old navy and jc peny so the annual charity thing is covered, albeit not as heavily as in previous years but please people, go out and buy something--a decent toy or warm clothes for a child or something warm and special for a senior--they are so neglected this time of year, and i love my mom so much the idea of someone like her being alone and nothing to open on christmas makes my situation pale in comparison. if i could have $500.00 to spend on charity that would be the awesomest christmas ever. toys for tots and teens, salvation army for seniors and a little bit of food and toys for the animals at the humane society and mewtopia of course. 200/200/100
i wonder if theres a place where you can petition people to do that other than on my infrequent blogosphere here. listening to the jango, this eve my "worst things' beautiful" station, though i havent cried much yet the tides do swell.
i reread my previous posts just to catch up lol and i still can't believe watching "meet joe black" made me cry. just that whole mental titty twister of losing yr parent, it kills me. moms doing pretty well with her hearing aids but i worry daily about the memory loss being alzheimers onset or something. she deserves so much better than she got with us, and i wish i had some way to make it better for her. it definitely scares her and i don't know how to help her.

the police right now, i do so enjoy them. maybe if i'm feeling extra maudlin i will try to pick out the best "made me cry" song of the night...

i'm starving now, haven't eaten today and as its nigh on nine i do believe i'm entitled.
stomach was growling in the car on the way home earlier.

oh duh--thanksgiving was wonderful--i still have turkey left, potatoes too, though not very much!! everyone said i was crazy buying a 25 lb turkey when the girls only eat tofurkey lol but the leftovers went home with everybody and i still had some to spare...2 full bagsw of yukon gold later, lol i made belle the best ever mashed-potato salad. since i hand mash with the skins always it was quite tasty if i do say so myself. i also split the batches since all the potatoes wouldnt fit--even in my jumbo iron caphalon stewing pot, i made the smaller batch a garlic/cheese mash and they were pretty good. after tasting them eleanor suggested sour cream be added, and so it was, and behold it was freaking awesome. did burn the pan only non meaty stuffing but thats my bad for trying to sit it on the bottom of the oven. with tom turkey being so large, it was the only way to put it in . i like how decent sized my kitchen is but the tiny gas stove leaves a bit to be desired. like room for instance, lol. maybe i shoulda broiled them? then they woulda just burnt on top instead of bottom lol. ooooh and i tried a new thing with my green bean casserole that was fantastic--i added the usual mushroom soup & extra can of mushrooms, but i also threw in a packet of onion soup mix and toppped it with zapps cracked pepper and sea salt chips, crumbled up. (way better than those nasty onions.) i was also mocked for making too many packets of the wonderful white shoepeg corn, but somehow, once the second round of snacking was over, there didnt seem to be any more corn left.

advantage:ME!!

oh and i am gonna rant summarily about the el classico yesterday which was 31 flavors of BRILLIANT!! Messi assisted villa to score twice and oh man, it was insane!! best game yet and belle and i were yelling and laughing. the beautiful game was never more lovely...and speaking of lovely, GASP at the new topless Messi gatorade advert. holy bleeping bleep. im not a creepy pedo but that man child is the most beautiful thing i've ever laid eyes on. watching him in motion is like a gift....

triste a deux

meet joe black of all unlikely things.
the death of little tj linskey just last week just outside
a total stranger
my computer going pffft

when

i suppose the reality of the situation is that a better question might be not so much when, but will it? while i'm well versed in this reality's day to day operations, i'm not exactly an active part of them any more. it's incredible the things you remember when you have nothing to do but.

and of course the worst, the things that you can't remember so clearly any more. some of them are painfully lacking, other memories are enhanced and maintained through artificial means.

i don't understand why some of the things that used to cheer me up and make me happy now only make the dark darker and the floodgates loose. it's incredibly frustrating to try to apply for a job and find yourself breaking down while you wait, trying hard not to let them see tears or the hideous trembling chin precursor that has been the bane of my "poker face" pretty much my entire life. with of course a few notable exceptions.

the kind of things that would have hurt my parents i hid well.

text vote please

Text *102422 to
Pepsi (73774) for the Blind Cat Projects chance to build a shelter for kitties with lukeimia and aids

would you do it, today?

feeling the strain pretty heavily of late.
did not realize a person could actually be this lonely and yet this ill equipped to
deal with people in general and more specifically, one on one.
then of course i wonder how much of this scramble in my head and heart is
manifest destiny and how much is circumstantial.

i've noticed people of course, and even the people i'm supposed to gnash my teeth
at and vilify well, not so much. more like hope for happiness, which is really
all anyone could ask for.

taking more pleasure in little things, and not just for the obvious economic reasons.

wishing i had somebody to talk to, for real.
i would go to a movie i think.

trying to help facilitate a puppy adoption even though im not really a dog person.
not for me then of course, but someone else.
still no official paperwork on the parking situation but we continue to hope daily.
honestly, mgmt might complain about how often they are called on but if they would respond just once on their own i wouldnt have to bother them so much.

mom's not doing much better, though she may be looking at a hearing aid.
my worries are more her memory and comprehension issues, and driving.
just seems like a very tricky situation and one with a very non happy end.
its weird how reality can tell you something will happen or something
could happen and you think you have a grasp on it--its what you trained yourself to
want or expect from the situation and yet even when things are exactly as
expected or even sometimes, better, you still carry that unexpected weight
when you find yourself living it.

knowing that for all intents and purposes that this is the best it can be is so sobering a prospect
that sometimes the only defense is the ostrich card.
i just can't breathe sand

prodigy give life

FUCK YEAH! http://www.jango.com/stations/93121407/tunein?song_id=225448
damn i love this fucking song so much it is a techno break from worries and cares and makes you just want to fucking do it!! whatever the hell it is!

no way to choose Messi vs Villa spark vs blaze[HQ].mp4

Lionel Messi adidas commercial muy adorable

he does run like sparks fly ....

Messi is my King

the little things (with thanks to vicente danny john & sid)

its interesting, the less you have, the easier it is for the littlest things to feel like christmas...in...well, july. like hearing from somebody you haven't seen in a long time and then getting to see them, even if they live half a hemisphere away. that picture is my desktop for now and for a while to come, i'd wager... i had a beer today-a single can of pbr-12oz not a jumbo...and i didnt even finish it before i was zooming! the combination of me not really liking beer and being on an empty stomach made that little pbr almost canadian quality!! and to chase my beer down, after longer than id care to admit of the once daily diet featuring only eggs and toast, i located a forgotten packet of a rice side dish that was orig intended for the vegetarian crew. i know it isn't healthy to eat just once a day but you do what you have to to make sure others needs get met. and the other are as lucky as they are picky that i hate all those vegetarian entrees too or they'd be gone by now! but to have something different for a change was so heavenly, it was like a thanksgiving meal to my taste buds.
the simple pleasure of a shower when you really need the relaxation in your body....the surest comfort in the voice of someone talking to you, not at you. i have a phone but i don't "talk" on it much so when i get to have a real conversation, not a comcast transaction or a petition for kids to come home...you forget how soothing the human voice CAN be. it can also be shrilllll as hell which leads us into

intermission: please enjoy this presentation of danny elfman's "the little things" from the motion picture soundtrack to "Wanted."

SIDE RANT:
i think one of the most annoying aspects of my unfortunate predicament is the frequency and constancy of people spouting off their "things can only get better" rhetoric like grade school catechism. To all of you i wish a hearty "fuck you. fuck you SOOOOO much!" i bear witness today to the truth: sometimes, things actually do not get better, but in fact, get worse. now to be clear here, i am not expecting nor asking anyone to give a damn about my wah wah problem. just that it really really sucks to be at a pretty low point in life and have a constant stream of pollyannabees telling me how bright the future is. funny how they seem to stumble on the details or specifics. i don't "want" to be down, but i really don't want to get preached to by the damn glee club either.

back to the little things....new little thing at this very second that is pretty damn big..the real pleasure and relief from not being hungry, but in fact, quite full. (and hey--silver lining to the hungry thing; it takes way less to fill me up!) another little thing-movie trailers! while i may be unable to see most of the movies i'd like to see this year, damn if i don't enjoy the hell outta a good trailer! my favorite right now is the other guys starring mark wahlberg and will ferrell. but i want to see the expendables, and the new predator movie-both include jet li who is clearly a busy motherfucker. watching the world cup was a big little thing, especially because i watched it with eleanor. <3 and it was freaking good. i now have 5 new favourite teams! the national teams for argentina and spain and the pro team for barcelona, plus i follow the us and uruguay who were insane on the field with their handling. it was like ballet. but i'm still glad spain won and i'm even happier germany lost. (add to my favourite teams anyone playing germany.) another great comfort-being snuggled in something toasty like a favourite hoodie just washed and smelling like the best memory you have...yes i know its summer and it was like 110 today with the heat index. but i just got out of an awesome shower so its chilly in the a/c. when im dry im going to use my hoodie as a pillowcase and dream of ....well lets be honest, it's me. so i'm going to dream of something pretty fucking weird most likely. but i have my request list right next to me, and while i can't seem to run out of tears, sometimes with the right frame of mind i can go to sleep hearing smelling and feeling all the comfort i need within the tiny christmas window next to the waste dump that is my giant sputnik like brain. i'm going to breathe in, snuggle down and look forward to having something, however small, to look forward to.

a plethora of wtf

just a lot of random musings today....
for one thing why is it when i get so hungry i have to eat that most of the time, i can't?
it literally turns my stomach sometimes to try and eat even things i like-went to
mickey ds cause i had a coupon i'd been saving and got my favorite the regular double
cheeburger plain. It tasted like cardboard to me and it wasn't because of the burger.
(i've had a couple of those too--nobody wants to eat them) no, it just literally turned my
stomach. it was like chewing cotton, that appealing.
i dunno, like so many things what kills me most is just the waste.
more wtf to follow after a break

Viva La Furia Roja!!

YAY Spain!!

no white flag above my door

why is it the higher road tends to make my head hurt, my eyes bleed salt and my stomach turn?
all i want, all i really truly want is something so small that most people drive by without noticing. let the baby have her bottle and then leave me be.

why do people "sort of" want things in their lives but only selections or portions?
even with people.
scratch that, reverse it, especially with people.
it makes me want to wear a blindfold sometimes.
like a person is a pizza that you can remove things you don't want or add extra of what you do.
one thing i learned slinging pie--you're going to be pleasantly surprised (moreso than unpleasantly surprised) by occasionally trusting in somebody else's idea of perfection, even just a taste.

sometimes things move so fast all i can feel is my hands tugging til it's the just the fingertips clinging then nothing.

im no scientist, i cant fix people.
i can barely live up to the hype of just being me.
why cant being ever be enough?
all that has passed is still there, crammed into the little box in my head that i only open when i'm too high to feel the burning flames that erupt whenever i risk a peek in.
some days its a single teardrop, others its a tidal triste.
emotional flash flood and the current is breathtakingly beautiful even as i
gurgle down to the sediment, then kicked back up again.

i turned down the job offer.
it's just not me.

cherry lips (go baby go)

aw, we're right behind you.

in cant wait news jr miss is excited about our annual midnight screening coming up. but i am almost as stoked to have true blood back on the tube as well as weeds coming up and supernatural.

now as to the writing....

dizzy bitch (vertigo away)

the irony isn't lost on me, and i'm learning to take my joy in tiny little increments, doled out at fate's whim. but when the world stops spinning long enough for me to take a minute, fuck yeah i'll take it and love all sixty seconds. including finding a long lost trinket, a little pendant that had long since fallen off it's leather cord. the prodigal pistons return!

stayed indoors since the light was a bother and enlisted the aid of my firstborn and have determined that the good ole futon is the best possible alternative to lying down (which is like being in one of those astronaut gyroscope things-ie SUCKS) -its literally impossible to sleep that way.
especially when combined with a rotating 6 hour regimen of otc sleeping pills.

so i'm testing that out with a little mindless blogging until the meds kick in and some jango chill tunes, courtesy of twtb radio. been feeling kinda nostalgic lately when i hear certain music so it may be time for yet another station.

it's a sensation not unlike my high school shenanigans with cough syrup lol but that was never my idea. peer pressure peer pressure.

peeer pressure.

here's crossing fingers and toes for a equillibric tuesday wake-up call.
and now since i can't really stare at the pc too long, i am going to sleep with the postman.

little book of poems

i was so moved at the time
(or perhaps it was simply that i was so high?)
i had to have it.
3 days and counting, still can't find it.
i want to feel that way again.
remember the warmth inside, the sense of...
that feeling of...
...words fail.
synchronictic misery?
the unfailing certainty that someone else knew
without question, no more the mystery. the same quiet solace.
that the pain was more than a power ballad
it was more things than it was not.
not simple.
no teen anthem
no winsome darkness to emulate, immolate and duplicate
just this knowledge, put to rights.
i wanted to share it, test other waters.
get a corroborating witness in my defense.

shhhh just checking

hopefully the banalities of my humdrum are no longer of interest to my foe.
been journaling by hand a lot but paper tends to get fucked up so...