would you do it, today?

feeling the strain pretty heavily of late.
did not realize a person could actually be this lonely and yet this ill equipped to
deal with people in general and more specifically, one on one.
then of course i wonder how much of this scramble in my head and heart is
manifest destiny and how much is circumstantial.

i've noticed people of course, and even the people i'm supposed to gnash my teeth
at and vilify well, not so much. more like hope for happiness, which is really
all anyone could ask for.

taking more pleasure in little things, and not just for the obvious economic reasons.

wishing i had somebody to talk to, for real.
i would go to a movie i think.

trying to help facilitate a puppy adoption even though im not really a dog person.
not for me then of course, but someone else.
still no official paperwork on the parking situation but we continue to hope daily.
honestly, mgmt might complain about how often they are called on but if they would respond just once on their own i wouldnt have to bother them so much.

mom's not doing much better, though she may be looking at a hearing aid.
my worries are more her memory and comprehension issues, and driving.
just seems like a very tricky situation and one with a very non happy end.
its weird how reality can tell you something will happen or something
could happen and you think you have a grasp on it--its what you trained yourself to
want or expect from the situation and yet even when things are exactly as
expected or even sometimes, better, you still carry that unexpected weight
when you find yourself living it.

knowing that for all intents and purposes that this is the best it can be is so sobering a prospect
that sometimes the only defense is the ostrich card.
i just can't breathe sand