when

i suppose the reality of the situation is that a better question might be not so much when, but will it? while i'm well versed in this reality's day to day operations, i'm not exactly an active part of them any more. it's incredible the things you remember when you have nothing to do but.

and of course the worst, the things that you can't remember so clearly any more. some of them are painfully lacking, other memories are enhanced and maintained through artificial means.

i don't understand why some of the things that used to cheer me up and make me happy now only make the dark darker and the floodgates loose. it's incredibly frustrating to try to apply for a job and find yourself breaking down while you wait, trying hard not to let them see tears or the hideous trembling chin precursor that has been the bane of my "poker face" pretty much my entire life. with of course a few notable exceptions.

the kind of things that would have hurt my parents i hid well.