happy chrimble

kids are crashed out and im still trying to maintain some sense of non vampiric hours so i am wandering the hall and wondering the head.

its rainy drizzle crap out today, the sort of day better suited to farewells and funerals.
haven't watched a full movie yet today but cried 3 times during 3 different snippets of 3 different films. ahh short attention span theater.....

i wish at times i could run a line to my brain and just cut and paste the myriad of thoughts and ideas that seem to keep me whirling and twirling, a pointless and ill fated dervish of fancy.
i know now for certain its what i would have done if only i could have.
but this year was not a year for accomplishment, not the sort that is likely to garner any notice or accolade to be sure. lucky i don't have the same ruler as everybody else in class.
lucky im not interested in notice or accolades either.
what interests me is simply finding a place in my life where i can simply watch a
movie and only cry when i'm supposed to. IF i'm supposed to.

perhaps to latch on to one of these beautiful ideas flying around my head like so many songbirds,
and to take it to fruition, even if its just for me.
didn't get anything for christmas, which kinda surprised me.
more because i think its proper for the girls to be actively involved in giving.
i can't understand the mindset of a person. i would never not let them get their dad a birthday present, a christmas present. mind you, i've known other people who didn't feel that way but i will never understand it. of course my parents weren't split up but still, i can't ever imagine not giving my mom something. (when he was alive, my dad as well of course.)
to me, children should learn giving.
its not the dollar amount of course, but the thought behind it.
not to mention the concept of giving in general, not just tearing open gifts received.
hopefully the genuine thought, the true idea of giving, not just oh what can i find to hand off,
but oh, what could i give this person that will truly bring them joy or comfort?
i never much cared for getting things, i was always the shy birthday person, hiding during the singing and awkward at opening presents.
i much prefer to give things.
had i the savvy, being a "buyer" or personal shopper might have once been the job for me.
although i studiously avoid contact with people outside my world, even the ones who have passed and no longer occupy space, leases having long since expired, i still see and imagine
happy faces and the warm sense of having done well for somebody else.
a failing perhaps, certainly one forged by years of truly loving things.
material things.
comfy snuggly pretty sparkly things.
the best gifts have always been little things...a tin of red hots, a pair of soft flannel pajama pants, things to that some people, well.....
ive never thrown in with "some people" and i dont suppose now is a good time to start.
but what sort of miserable grinchy person would not want a child to be able to give their parent a gift? even a token? i want that joy for kids i've never met, much less my own flesh & blood.
pretty lame imho and not just cause i didn't get anything.
bad form my friends, bad form.
but humanity seems to have a penchant for not appreciating what they have in front of them.

time to relearn my let it go lessons once more.
still it doesn't do much for the wishing...