donut stalkers and such

wow, what a month for freaks! june is scaring me.



i'm kinda hitting a day by day and sometimes hour to hour or even occasionally moment to moment kind of existence this month. mental illness or business as usual? who can say? (sure as hell isn't me!!) and i know i'm not alone in this because i have had some freaky weird experiences this month. went to check out the new dunkin donuts-first one in memphis a couple weekends ago and this weird like 50 something white haired golfer looking man in a suzuki suv something or other kept walking to and from my car like he was going to talk to me. i was on the phone, acting like i was really into it because he kept looking over at me. CREEPY! i made a point of avoiding eye contact and waited for him to leave. he stayed and lingered in his car a while so i went back inside to use the bathroom. when i came out he wasn't in his car or anywhere that i could see, that is, until i stepped off the curb and he came up behind me from beside the building. out comes my phone so i pretend to talk more "la la la" gesticulating wildly and fake laughing "Giggle giggle hahahaha thats so INTERESTING." I turn on my car engine and run the a/c oblivious. I see him finally get in his flipping car and once he's pulling out, i decide it's safe to go now-i'll be behind him. SO as i'm pulling out, i see him frantically waving me down, and i ignore him, get into my turn lane-(which i figure he can't from the right lane he's in.) i peel off and make for the freeway, no problem, right? only at the freeway on ramp, he's fucking right behind me!! wtf!! it's kinda like being stalked by rush limbaugh or something. just, so, "ew." so i figure i will make for the other side of the tracks and zooom along the freeway (i'm an excellent driver) after i hit the big fwy interchange im pretty sure it's good, and figure goofy man has gone back to whatever middle class hell spawned him and his pink polo shirt wearing ilk. a little freaked, i start to shift lanes and see the bastard shift into the same lane about 6 cars back.

NOW i get nervous. i floor it, zip up past a couple exits and swing off onto a busy one. The bastard actually pulls up behind me again and i peel out of the exit in front of another car that didn't like me peeling out in front of them but oh well. They delayed him enough for me to zoom the f up the next intersection and i take a sudden turn behind a restauraunt not far away, then zip behind and wait. I'm narrating all this from the interchange on to a friend on the phone and i'm like eeeeeeeeee all jittery and bugging. i let about 5-10 minutes pass and just when i'm thinking its good to pull out and head home, oh fresh holy be-leeping hell, there the fucker is slowly tooling around the parking lot, looking for me!!!. oh HELL no! i do another 360 down the street and around another corner that leads me back onto the freeway and head back the way i came. i know if i was thinking i should have just driven to a police station but i was just like too wired and frazzle freaked.

anyway i think he finally realized he was living a fucking pipe dream that i would ever in a million years be interested in speaking to someone who scared the shit out of me like that,and gave up. all i know is he ruined dunkin donuts for me big time.
ass hat.

quick segue

into.....my boss is an asshole, not just a bosshole. he is NOW making me work my birthday even though i asked off in plenty of time because one of the flat glass guys is already off that day.
what a colossal fucktron.

oh my god!!!

holy crap! i was just sitting at home minding my own business and watching gran torino when there is a pounding on my front door. i open the door and this big ass half naked staggering bloody guy pounds at my storm door telling me to call the police, he needs the police, they shot them oh god my niece he shot them and hes holding them hostage....then dude stumbles down my steps and collapses so i call 911-first time ever! and tell them what he said. he was going on about how the guy had a shotgun and oh god and anyway the 911 lady has me hold and then connects me with the fire dept for ambulance service.

so as to not appear blase later, i will state right now none of the kids were hurt.

(weird that i have to repeat myself for the same call) so i go outside to check on stagger lee and you can smell the liquor. i told him the police would be there soon and he insists on getting up and goes across the street where somebody else had opened a door. once i heard the sirens, i went ahead and came out-the 911 operator said i'd need to make a statement. when about 6 cop cars come peeling ass down the street. i waved them down to the house and it's all tv screeching and blue lights and such. i'm actually quite shocked at how few of the folks who live on our street were out.
any way cop deluxe is coming out of his car and i explain which house and the drunk guy is on another porch and so cop jr goes to him while everyone else is holy shit, locking and loading. it was click click clickety click. (i thought they would be louder click wise.) there were rifles and handguns and tigers, oh my!!! the blue lights actually started to fuck with my vertigo. so tall cool drink of cop comes over and gets all my info and takes the statement. damn they sure do ask a lot of questions. so he tells me to sit back behind the cruiser and wait til they rush the house, which they do and it's all super tv realistic and they are yelling for this person to lay down or get down and after a while a couple people get dragged out-drunk-there wasn't even a gun, just a seriously alcohol induced scuffle. the poor kids were out on the curb waiting to be allowed back into their own home. cops start clearing out apparently we got the hottie precinct-even the lady cops were va va voom. i don't see eric the cop so i tell my side to my neighbor friend vera who tells me what he told her-he was banging on everyones door apparently.
so yeah weed is bad but this kind of shit is totally cool.
well i wanna finish gran torino and another night of intent to go to bed on time is dashed upon the rocks. at least i have my puff! can't getenough of that wonderful puff! :D

stay tuned for exciting out of control gasoline truck news:

donut stalkers! the annoying boss awards! tales of oh shit! bad weather jacks my web/cable, my boss's wife develops a soul and vampire book reviews for perverts. this is, assuming of course, i actually have cable and internet when i get home tonight. (oh snap, i wonder if the dvr still saves stuff even though icant view it at the time??)

ok, i had company again tonight so i'm only now back on the net. and i find myself seriously, lol, trying to watch grand torino while simultaneously writing in my blog, reading the final sookie book and ok, getting my bliss on...but just a whisper. that's one hit for each letter in the word whisper. it's my little original drinking game-cum-scrabble game modified for the rasta in us all. note to self: explain that further in a future post. note readers: please remind self to remember the reminder.

soooo i should have asked for a vote on which of the above topics to address first. HEY! I will freaking just do that now!! i know there is some way to post it like fancy online but im lazy and that's just too much effort for a bear of very little brain such as myself. oooh i bet i can butcher the hell out of that translation into espanol...... soy un oso con poco cerebello? cerebrito? chicken burrito? (oh. perdona mi, vicente....."burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrito" ) SO the topics on which i can postulate are listed above. drop me a line to say which one is most interesting and then by thats the order i will post them in. i will probably hear from NOBODY but i just am too sofa king elevated right now, it really is not a good idea for people and things with brains what work to be subjected to......wink wink nudge nudge knowing glance, say no more!

on a final note, sharkie puff (boieeeee!) has arrived to stay with me for a couple days and let me tell you, hes about as happy as hitler in hell. i wish i had a digital cam to record the severe displeasure. it's practically surreal to be holding a cat who clearly dearly loves you but at the same time is disproportionately incensed by the presence of the cattens. kinda like the tazmanian devil pausing to head butt you and nuzzle before going off on a cheney level 6 rampage.
cover your face!

sex, drugs and barter (oh ps eric too!)

pardon my enthusiasm, but it has been a while. :)

wow. just wow.

short story long, i've been vacillating for a while now over meeting this guy who i'd chatted with off and on from a dating site (of sorts. :9 ) well, the final hurdle dropped for sure yesterday and so i threw caution to the wind and said to hell with it.

thank the mighty mighty zeuss for rash impulses.

i just....he...and then when he and then... and i tried to....and then he, oh my and it was so....and then just....thud. i'm genuinely lightheaded and dizzy recounting it.

what's most phenomenal is that, discounting a slight beer buzz, i was str8.

economy and circumstance dictate a certain want in my department 420 repetoire, and over the last few days, i have begun to view it as a big plus.
why?
because i know, or have suspected maybe, while "addict" is not the case-because, if im out, oh well, no big, don't have to rob and steal to score, BUT (here's my big but) when i'm not out i self-enabled, um, myself, waaaaaay too much. numb certainly is better than hurting sometimes.
sometimes you need the clarity that hurting brings, the closure.

but not when it comes to other things....

you remember how it feels to be with someone-somewhere public-not particularly intimate-
but nonetheless *feeling* intimate? being aware of every shift of their leg,every brush or touch, however accidental or planned?? electric? it's been so long since i felt like that, i quite literally forgot how it felt. what's weird is i'm already scared i'm going to forget the way it feels, now.
like a heat miser,

if only they could come up with a drug that makes you feel like that,....all right, so they did, lol but i mean an over the counter one! if they did? moneeeeeeeey!!


so i figured my night could not improve, even after the internet AND cable had been out all day and night-still out when i left for work this am, (cable is not infallible either, dtv naysayers!)but i digress, lol (quelle surprise!) so i find myself still pine-ing on pins and needles, anxiously, breathlessly waiting to see my much beloved new cable crack, true blood, with claire. hopefully tomorrow. (please please please) it can't be tonight because she is doing her volunteer library work tomorrow. i can't believe my little bit is so cool, sometimes. and since they adore her, she pulled a favor and got me a copy of the last sookie book, new and only available in hardback right now, since i finished all the others in less than a week. now im fucked because i HAVE to buy it. eric on the cover which means eric is in it. oh hell yes is he ever IN it.....it's my ultimate nerdy dork fangirl fantasy and now i have to pledge my soul to charlaine harris for doing my perverted bidding and giving me the hottest read of my life. there is another book coming out in october (sortof-compilation of stories) but eeep there it is!! literary THUD to the nth!!! as far as brain sex goes, it was the best i've ever had! :) (doing the eric happy dance) and not just because eric and sookie wind up together in every good hard, dirty hot possible way. (why yes, i'm a dork, thanks for noticing! DUUUUH@!)

it's because southern vampire wordsmith girl is goooood. she lives in arkansas, not that far away, either....hmmmm...might be time for a road trip...

and speaking of travel i have a favor to ask of my memphis readers...anyone interested in going to new york? i sortof acted on one of those rash impulses and redeemed my flyer points as a bday present to me and i find now that i won't be going. departs early afternoon friday july 3 and returns on my bday july 6. now i'm going to nashville for my real bday present. i put an ad up on craigslist and while i'm not trying to make a killing, belle's tkt was just under $250. but ideally i just want someone to help me fix my bleeping bike more than i want cash. i finally got to ride with someone this weekend and THAT my friend is my true addiction!! i get to go to bike night tomorrow if the weather holds!

of course i hate being a passenger, lol-im not a control freak UNLESS im on the bike.

anyways if you know of somebody, please steer them to the cl ad or email me directly! gracias!

okay, so much going on in my head right now...what else? oh yes! i borrowed the cat trap my boss's wife had bought when we fixed the little at work feral kitty last night. i got all the locals who i feed inside and put the trap on the porch with tuna fish in it.

guess who was in it when i heard it snap? lol i half expected a raccoon but it was a very angry alice!! she and little jane are having a hissy reunion this morning but hopefully jane will chill out a bit. even though she definitely seemed lonely i think jane liked being the only lap cat because she was being such a cuddle bug in alice's absence.



between the sex and the book and watching "taken" (which fucking ROCKED-god bless you, liam your poor poor soul) and the meowing and hissing between the catten sisters all night i am a tired tired girl.

tired, walking funny, but happy.

don't that beat all?

i'd almost forgotten what happy felt like, too.

i'm sure i'll be back to my sad lonely self before long, but today i'm not going to look this gift horse in the mouth, i'm going to ride it hard and put it away wet.
listen in to nasty love

eschew obfuscation

Some days are better than others.
Thanks, K for trying to make this one better and not worse.
But thanks most of all for being so patient and fuck.
I saw jred today and it kills me sometimes.
he didn't look so good-i'm *really* not being catty, lol, he just didn't.
i get the senior discount thing now-he looks much older than me.
serious grampa mojo which explains some things the neighborhood kids mentioned.
and for extra gratification, i was wearing his donnas shirt, lol
it was awesome because i pretty much scared him back into HIS house for a change.
he saw meand claire and hightailed it inside so he wouldnt get in trouble with the boss, lol.
claire said after lunch when she went to the library with geoff he had the nerve to wave at them.
pretty impressive.

so.
alice is still missing and im trying to bury my worry in cuddling jane.
its the 3rd day really so im starting to get more fearful.
it's been a shit sandwich kind of day and i really have had my fill.
it exasperates the hell outta me when people -ok jd, can't just take a fucking clue.
sometimes words are too much.
i'm crazy, that's been pretty much established.
but he has to just keep on telling me all the reasons im a bad person.
most of the reasons of course, previously disclosed.
blah blah blah
why? if i suck so phenomenally, let it go.
i never claimed to be suitable for anyone or thing, so please
let
it
go
!! there it is! going!
bye bye!!
now that that chapter has ended im looking to try something new.
something NOT onthe internet, for that way there be monsters.
i'm not any better off today than i was yesterday.
tomorrow is just as grim and bleak but it's my tomorrow for now.
i can't say i expect a pretty ending, certainly not a neat or happy one.
but it will be mine, and i get to write it.
on my own.
i did manage to read every charlaine sookie novel and while i did the silly of reading them outta order, i really enjoyed them tremendously. and i know that patricia has added more to the "moon called" series i so enjoy, so i just may have to try the used book store on monday.
i should be here through the summer for sure.
not being able to plan ahead with any surety has been such a colossal gaping hole in
my gut that i am trying blinders and the one day at a time thing.
i almost wish i COULD become an alcoholic just for the get out of brain free card, but
i dislike the after effects far too much.
and i am setting my sights just a wee bit higher.
not much, lol but some.
like newt, my demons come out mostly at night.
mostly.

suivez la piste amigos y comrades

suivez la piste was actually the title of a french textbook in high school. you never really know what is going to stick in a teeny little cranium such as mine, but apparently there is a scant amount of seating reserved for "foreign language bits" i love other languages. it's an affinity i developed far too late in life to make much use of. but i discovered that for one such as myself, being able to communicate even a little bit with someone in ways other than anglaise, was super freaking cool. which is even in and of itself something of an amusement. you don't generally applaud say a 5 year old with basic verbal mastery, lol why should i be so bloody pleased to pronounce shei shei or mille grazie like it was my freaking thesis. so yeah, thanks babel.

communicating is a bitch when the language is shared, does that mean communicating with people who don't likewise have the same foundations and experiences and vocabulary is even tougher? because we are different? or does that make it easier?
is love different in hindi than seik? is "te amo, mi amor" any less stirring to the 16 year old experiencing first love than "я тебя люблю мой дорогой" is to the elderly russian couple down the street?
because of words?

there are people on this planet who would argue so.

which is in and of itself a shame. having gotten to know a few international types pretty well this year, i am struck by so much that is same, not different. mi guitarista, vicente is constantly reminding me of the ills and troubles facing his countrymen, as do several other people in sa and even europe. dammit. i wonder if a point could ever be made -not in mime so much as caveman gesticulant. after spending a night talking down a german pal who had suffered an unusually painful breakup last week, i found that i couldn't adequately convey what i most wanted to impress on him--not that it mattered, but in the grand scheme, he wasn't alone with that pain. you can be alone in more ways than you can count, and truthfully, regardless of what the brochures might tell you, it's pure uncut fact. benji sings how we are all the same at the beginning, so wtf happens next is a cosmic prank call. you can't change some things. you can effect change and even affect change (2 different things, campers) but ultimately, as mongo says, "mongo just pawn in game of life." thanks mel, thanks mongo, sorry for the not so precisely exact nature of the quote....

my train of thought is already derailing onto tangent tracks to numerous to mention.
but communication remains the crux of the cross today.
people get so hopped up in their little preconceived worlds and dealings that they drag everyone and everything around them into it, expecting all to fully acquiesce to their expectations.
its not like that.

today i spent the day with my daughter and mid day got dragged via text into ostensibly created drama that served no other purpose than to well, create drama. i already had a drama going. one of my own, and far more real than any internet escapade. long story short, my former pal would not could not accept the plain and simple fact that something or someone else was a priority right then and i could not focus on wtf he was presuming my attention issue meant. basically more or less the same mentality that insists on having the last word, rather than say, an actual discourse.

"look at me, i'm bart!"

why do some people crave a dramatic denouement over patience? i get it with children of course.
i'm something of a hedonist myself, and i get the gratification imperative. but people of the internet! citizens of the real, take a collective chill pill sometimes and remember, everyone you see before you, you don't truly know. you talk to people, start to know them, but it's still not the same.

the person you see in front of you in traffic, in that ugly suv might not be the wealthy owner.
it could be me, the crazy bus riding biker, delivering someone else's expensive car to them. it could be the wily carjacker or the soul-dead child of a white collar motherfucker mid runaway.
the woman who has just been informed that her cancer is back,the man whose wife has died or left him. you don't know. i don't know, but people still LOVE to assume and presume that their world of problems spills over to everyone elses, granting them braggers rights and priority in a neat little predictable fashion.

i wish it worked so neatly because i wouldn't be at a linguistic disadvantage in a world like that.
i wouldn't find myself scouring the neighborhood for a tiny little ball of fluff i have come to adore.
i'd be camped out in the magical world i'd formed around my wishes, enjoying the ebb of flow of things as i want them, rather than struggling to not go under while the current tosses me about.
some people are in the raft, some people are on the bank, some are in the water.
(ok some of us are screaming, giggling and laughing as we go over the side, but try to ignore us, we crazy!)
we are all trying.
some just not as obviously.
i wish so many things.
i find myself captivated at times by what could be, could have been, isn't, will never be.
sometimes the enormity of such things is dwarfed only by their irrelevance.
my big picture could be your background shot, or a pointillismic dot.
yours could be my favorite story, my bedtime fantasy, or just as easily something stuck to the bottom of my shoe. i'm sorry for that, because one thing i know for certain is there are far more people worse off than me than better. but that's not cause for relief or joy to me.
it doesn't change the shadow on my brain, the balance in my account of the tears in my eyes.
i want more, and not just for me.

ted was right.
a person's a person, no matter how small.