happy chrimble

kids are crashed out and im still trying to maintain some sense of non vampiric hours so i am wandering the hall and wondering the head.

its rainy drizzle crap out today, the sort of day better suited to farewells and funerals.
haven't watched a full movie yet today but cried 3 times during 3 different snippets of 3 different films. ahh short attention span theater.....

i wish at times i could run a line to my brain and just cut and paste the myriad of thoughts and ideas that seem to keep me whirling and twirling, a pointless and ill fated dervish of fancy.
i know now for certain its what i would have done if only i could have.
but this year was not a year for accomplishment, not the sort that is likely to garner any notice or accolade to be sure. lucky i don't have the same ruler as everybody else in class.
lucky im not interested in notice or accolades either.
what interests me is simply finding a place in my life where i can simply watch a
movie and only cry when i'm supposed to. IF i'm supposed to.

perhaps to latch on to one of these beautiful ideas flying around my head like so many songbirds,
and to take it to fruition, even if its just for me.
didn't get anything for christmas, which kinda surprised me.
more because i think its proper for the girls to be actively involved in giving.
i can't understand the mindset of a person. i would never not let them get their dad a birthday present, a christmas present. mind you, i've known other people who didn't feel that way but i will never understand it. of course my parents weren't split up but still, i can't ever imagine not giving my mom something. (when he was alive, my dad as well of course.)
to me, children should learn giving.
its not the dollar amount of course, but the thought behind it.
not to mention the concept of giving in general, not just tearing open gifts received.
hopefully the genuine thought, the true idea of giving, not just oh what can i find to hand off,
but oh, what could i give this person that will truly bring them joy or comfort?
i never much cared for getting things, i was always the shy birthday person, hiding during the singing and awkward at opening presents.
i much prefer to give things.
had i the savvy, being a "buyer" or personal shopper might have once been the job for me.
although i studiously avoid contact with people outside my world, even the ones who have passed and no longer occupy space, leases having long since expired, i still see and imagine
happy faces and the warm sense of having done well for somebody else.
a failing perhaps, certainly one forged by years of truly loving things.
material things.
comfy snuggly pretty sparkly things.
the best gifts have always been little things...a tin of red hots, a pair of soft flannel pajama pants, things to that some people, well.....
ive never thrown in with "some people" and i dont suppose now is a good time to start.
but what sort of miserable grinchy person would not want a child to be able to give their parent a gift? even a token? i want that joy for kids i've never met, much less my own flesh & blood.
pretty lame imho and not just cause i didn't get anything.
bad form my friends, bad form.
but humanity seems to have a penchant for not appreciating what they have in front of them.

time to relearn my let it go lessons once more.
still it doesn't do much for the wishing...

happy whatever

too many potential mistakes to be made here so happy whatever.

as my week ending xmas begins its chilly and brisk but its been a gloriously free week of my asshole neighbor not being here hardly at all. maybe he and his gf decided they should stay more at her place--who know, i don't care, its just nice to not have him here. i woulda left years ago if the price wasn't so right here. but nothing anywhere compares. neighborhood, kid friendliness, cost and of course, cat adjacent lol.

anyway, forgoing the tree this year due to the whole unemployed thing, probably just as well. if the way the cats were going apeshit around the tiny fresh garland is any indicator, an actual tree wouldnt have lasted long. it does make me sad how many trees are wasted never used and thus their sacrifice is unappreciated lol. sorry little trees.

managed to get a little bump of snow this weekend, not much but i hope eternally that there is more to come, at least just til christmas morning. even for the jaded teen there is something just a touch more childlike and magical about a christmas morning with snow.

managed to get quite a few donations put together for the silver bells program at meritan. it was easier this year since my youngests class at wshs was also gathering items for the forgotten and lonely seniors in town. my mom is just 80 but the idea of her alone and sad with no presents at christmas makes me want to cry so this year in addition to donating a variety of warm clothes and little luxuries, i got a card for a gentleman named anthony who is 92. he wanted a nice blue shirt and sheets. i got him a lovely soft one, and i found polar fleece sheets as well!! i hope that they keep him warm and comfy where ever he may be, and that he's not lonely or alone that day. i kinda wish that for eveybody. but at 92 who knows how many christmases he has left?
of course the same could be said of all of us. when i lost my dad he was fine at christmas, not so hot at new years and gone the next week. its amazing to think he would be going into his 90s now. same age as anthony now that i think about it, how funny. in my head he is always late seventies so i tend to forget.
like so many things....

digging the hell out of my best and slightly early gift from my guy, wonderous smartphone.
of course, it is so wondrous as to be vastly underutilized by me, and since between the two of us i am both the handyman and techie (he can barely handle a non texting phone, lol) i am kinda on my own. phone co does not yet have an online tutorial for the wildfire either but we hopes.
allegedly one is forthcoming. hah!!

ive wanted to blog a couple times while down, the entire month so far has been pretty dreary and glum, but in the interest of not being a whiny bitch, lol i imposed a no tears while typing rule for the entire month of december.

im in bed trying to stay warm and about to give up for a lovely sleep in.
(by the thermostat its right up at 50 degrees back here, but with a heating pad by my feet, once you get in bed, its really not too bad. unless you took a shower lol then bundle up before getting under the covers. actualy wore a hat to bed last week, more because i was so tired i just crashed out, glasses on as well, but it got me thinking about how people used to wear sleephats. i always thought they looked retarded, but sudden realization that maybe they were worn for warmth. you lose a lotta body heat through the head they say, so durrrh, me!! back in the day before central heat etc (and even in this day if you live with me, lol,) you need to be warm at night. and here all along for so many years i just thought they were stupid bedtime hat fanciers. form without function, just puritanical crainial propoganda...like making the women wear silly lacy gloves and crap, so of course you best cover your hair before sleep lol.

how ridiculous and inane of me, lol

yeap, i just checked its early morning reclaiming hour, back to sleep then.
here's hoping for snow when we wake.