when

i suppose the reality of the situation is that a better question might be not so much when, but will it? while i'm well versed in this reality's day to day operations, i'm not exactly an active part of them any more. it's incredible the things you remember when you have nothing to do but.

and of course the worst, the things that you can't remember so clearly any more. some of them are painfully lacking, other memories are enhanced and maintained through artificial means.

i don't understand why some of the things that used to cheer me up and make me happy now only make the dark darker and the floodgates loose. it's incredibly frustrating to try to apply for a job and find yourself breaking down while you wait, trying hard not to let them see tears or the hideous trembling chin precursor that has been the bane of my "poker face" pretty much my entire life. with of course a few notable exceptions.

the kind of things that would have hurt my parents i hid well.

text vote please

Text *102422 to
Pepsi (73774) for the Blind Cat Projects chance to build a shelter for kitties with lukeimia and aids

would you do it, today?

feeling the strain pretty heavily of late.
did not realize a person could actually be this lonely and yet this ill equipped to
deal with people in general and more specifically, one on one.
then of course i wonder how much of this scramble in my head and heart is
manifest destiny and how much is circumstantial.

i've noticed people of course, and even the people i'm supposed to gnash my teeth
at and vilify well, not so much. more like hope for happiness, which is really
all anyone could ask for.

taking more pleasure in little things, and not just for the obvious economic reasons.

wishing i had somebody to talk to, for real.
i would go to a movie i think.

trying to help facilitate a puppy adoption even though im not really a dog person.
not for me then of course, but someone else.
still no official paperwork on the parking situation but we continue to hope daily.
honestly, mgmt might complain about how often they are called on but if they would respond just once on their own i wouldnt have to bother them so much.

mom's not doing much better, though she may be looking at a hearing aid.
my worries are more her memory and comprehension issues, and driving.
just seems like a very tricky situation and one with a very non happy end.
its weird how reality can tell you something will happen or something
could happen and you think you have a grasp on it--its what you trained yourself to
want or expect from the situation and yet even when things are exactly as
expected or even sometimes, better, you still carry that unexpected weight
when you find yourself living it.

knowing that for all intents and purposes that this is the best it can be is so sobering a prospect
that sometimes the only defense is the ostrich card.
i just can't breathe sand