landscaping trucks are a menace

pragmatism sucks

knowing something isn't right for you, be it in general or because of timing or possibly due to a third as yet unnamed reason doesn't make it any easier.

in addition to pudding, my head is so stuffed with ideas and thinks that i thought and i dont have enough time to see them through to their conclusions. it's making me greatly aggrieved.
after a day or two of playing betty crocker im ready for a different kind of betty treatment.

i should be planning my use of that splendid extra day on monday instead of trying to catalogue my revolving cast of inner characters and their hijinx.

back to kissing the tortoise shell for a bit, mas later.
i miss v like crazy, and he's not the only one. now i remember why its easier sometimes to not have so many people in yr life because it cuts down on the contrast of lonely times.
i want to talk about the flying musical and swimming in fireflies

"never take happiness as due"

cautious optomism

this is the morning after night 2 of very little sleep for the best possible reason.
im whooped and giddy and terrified and i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
this is unlike anything thats come before and i'm not sure if its even possible.
v would be proud of me for raising the bar up one year on being a creeper, lol but i don't care.
i don't see an age when i see andrew, i just see where i want to be.

this is either the best luck or the worst joke ever.
until i find out, im phenomenally content to ride the best ride ever, as long as i can.

in a word, "thud"

we finally met last night for real despite my terrified attempt to come up with a good reason not to. i nearly booked when he wasn't already there, lol then when he walked in, well, color me dropped. he looks like eric!! i told him that in person, he actually reminded me of this favorite character in a book, and then without knowing the details he remarked on being told often that he looked kind of viking-esque.

e
e
e
e
e
e
e
eeee and eeeee2!!!!

the fictional reenactment possibilities are a-mazing. and since we initially met on a like-minded site, so are other ones. and he is so fucking cool in so many severely extremely good ways, and ink! bonus round of tasty!
glorious sweeet sweeet ink!

so. while i've watched so many people, couples, i have at least this beautiful shot at feeling that way again. for the first time,genuinely, in so fucking long, hopeful. stupid happy. and really really anxious to get the work day over so i can see him again.

now i just have to get a new pair of cat ears!
le mew le meow, le purrrrr.............

such is jango

yes it's been an interesting week of not being able to deal with the psychosis at work, primarily because it is totally off the charts. amp set at 11. one more day til two short days without.
tomorrow is the big disconnect.
(not THAT one, thats the really big disconnect)
when not at work, i've had a nice week with some vera very good conversation and it has been incredibly cathartic. i find that sometimes the more i write, the more i want to?
and its nice to be soothed by something better, something good.
music you save me a million times a day....

breathe deeply

i hate having to be mean.
(now, not-so-gentle reader, before you scoff, lets get literal.)
i hate *having* to be mean.
because while you can try a polite or kind word, some people don't listen.
i mean *reeeeeallllly* don't listen.
and of course it's different for every person.
sometimes its easy to simply be mean just because.
because you don't know the other person, or maybe because you know them too well. because they insist you adhere to their prescribed requirements and standards. because somebody hurt you first or didn't do what you wanted when you wanted.

well those are excuses. ("just because" excuses)

but like bad news, sometimes there is just no way to "pretty up" reality to make it appear less hurtful or palatable. sometimes a spoonful of sugar just makes the sugar taste like shit and medicine.

not being on any sort of medication, and not having insurance, i can't of course speak from any recent experience but i know it never helped my kids take a prescription lol.
sometimes there is no getting around something.

i'm learning.

it's certainly easiest to simply try and move on.
not as easy to succeed.
makes me think about paths.
roads, sidewalks, passages.
i've never been a fan of the straight and narrow, lol.
i took a page from scott's book and streamlined my life a fair bit yesterday.
its daunting, terrifying and exhilarating all at once.
and while it feels like a change, even that is merely trapping.
my bills are the same, my head is still filled with bits of string and tiny little rainbow fishies.
my cattens still treat my skin like a scratching post and my neighbor is still the biggest
douchebag in four counties. i'm no more or less alone, not at the heart of it, yet i feel better.
i guess it finally hit me that if the big picture is overwhelming, move on in for a closer look.
i'm no artist, not truly, but i loved to draw.
so i will try on my pointillism goggles for a bit.

now i'm in love, been there many times before and it never fails to surprise me how long it stays with you. when i get to work and there he is, it's a smile on my lips, not a scowl.
shores me up, keeps me well, lol, not *sane*, but we'll just say it keeps me.
it also gets that crazy human nature question rolling.
exactly how much we can all be capable of.
the feelings i still have for joe are surely tempered, severely, harshly, truly tempered, but still they are there. of course it was a long time together and less time apart.
and i don't *want* him any more but i know too if he ever developed the stones to be
anything even close to a standup guy i know i'd forgive it in a heartbeat.
not blindly, of course.
i don't even like admitting that here because i know it probably makes me look stupid.
but i can't see a forgiving heart as a truly bad thing.
and like i said, not blindly.

yet my feelings for other people are drastically different.
there are people i will be thrilled to never ever in my life see again much less meet.
is that because of my history with him? with them? or the lacking of something?
is it the changing perspective within my heart, or mule-esque stubborn-ness?
i use the family connection as a non judgemental litmus test.
many people love their families yet can't abide them.
wtf??
i used to know things.
today most of those things seem trivial, incidental, totally without intrinsic value or meaning.
if there truly is no fate but what we make-well fuck, i can't believe that either.
too many uncontrollable variables.
it's a cosmic square dance and you're going to end up with a partner, or you're going
to end up sitting along the wall, watching everyone else dance.
i'll take door 3, pop in my headphones and step outside in the rain to do the speer stomp instead.
i love to dance, and that is a gift.
i love to laugh and that is my solace,
i love to love, and that is my hope.

i'm going to take the small kindnesses of strangers and swim in their currents for as long as i can.
somewhere its been said to surround yourself with positive people who can help you.
that seems oddly self serving, and frankly to me, anathema.
i will surround myself with those i love and if they choose to surround themselves with me, then i am blessed.

i think my perspective is, (with a tremendous flourish of irony,) that it is better to cut away from those people who bring you down and try to conform you to their preconceived ideas of who YOU are, who you could be.

that maybe you should circle those wagons in your head and figure out who the fuck you are inside and whether or not you even deserve the company of strangers, friends.
whats the little pat saying? something about loving yourself?
bullshit, says i.
what if at your core, you don't cant and wont?
what if you have a very clear grasp of who you are.
and what if it's not good?
its the kind of dissent that makes this civil war in my head continue.

but look! my favorite swedish vamp is all over tv tonight.
suddenly i feel more like purring and less like hissing.
a perfect mental mulligan.
la la la la lala laaaaaa
namaste my loves, go in peace.